Perfectly imperfect

I am not perfect.

I can be a bitch. 

I can be self-centred.

 I can be moody. 

I can be a gossip. 

I can judge books by their covers. 

I can lie. 

I can be lazy.

 I can be conceited. 

I can hold grudges.

I can, and I have. And I probably will still continue to do some of these things from time to time. Because, I am not perfect.

I am only human.

We are all sinners.

I mentioned that God convicts me of things on a daily basis, right? He is always speaking to me, audibly or inaudibly - usually through a little quiet voice in my head. It keeps nagging me until I listen and obey.  My children are also great at keeping me centered! They are so innocent and dont understand the complexities of relationships and treat everyone with equal respect - they hold no grudges. Miss Placid humbled me on this one with a relationship very recently.

Sometimes, it takes me quite some time to actually be obedient. 

I have held grudges against some people in my life, and I can find it really hard to move past them, because I am stubborn, and I dont want to be the first person to apologise! I often think, well, its not just me that is behaving like this, they are being just as stubborn - or I can justify my actions because of a certain way they might have treated me.

I know it's not right. But its just the way it goes sometimes. 

I have been spending a portion of my very rare spare time (after I have run around doing everything else I want to accomplish in the wee hours of child free time before my bedtime!) doing a bible study on the book of Esther. I have been learning so much, not just about the story of Esther, but about myself, in the process. It is amazing what God can teach you if you open up your heart and are willing to hear and learn!

One thing that hit home to me is that it isnt about appearances. What is inside is far more beautiful. I can doll myself up to the nines, pretty my hair, put on some makeup and a nice outfit and could fool the world that I have it altogether. I don't. No one really does. We are all struggling with our own demons and things that tear us apart inside. Insecurities, self-worthlessness, financial struggles, parenting dilemmas. 

I for one have a huge list of my own: I dislike the wisps of baby hair on my forehead, I hate my teeth, I have a lot of post-baby flab to lose, my eyelashes annoy me, the pigment of my skin bugs me, I hate my wardrobe, I feel people judge me by my age sometimes, and that hurts. I don't like looking young and immature in a room full of women who seem so much more wise and mature than I. I worry I am not a good enough mother/wife/daughter/friend, I compare my walk with others, I envy those who get to travel and do missions, I covet, I worry my life has no purpose sometimes, I compare my kids and their behaviours to others...

See - proof I don't have it altogether, folks :)

If you see me out and about, try not to judge me. Get to know me, and I promise I will try to do the same for you. Life is not a competition. It is not about who has the most beautiful body, the best behaved children, the most magnificent house, or the best travelled passport. I try to be as honest and open as I can about my life and my struggles in the vain hope that someone out there might get a glimmer of hope that 
it is ok to not have it altogether.
It's ok to have days where you feel all hope is lost. Its ok to fail and be imperfect and do all those imperfect things mentioned above. But if you can stop every now and then and self-reflect, ask for forgiveness and humble yourself to move forward, you are one step ahead!

Comparison is everywhere in our world. It is in the media, in our tv's/magazines, social media, businesses, workplaces and playgroups. There is always someone who seems to have it better than we have or have it more together than we have. You don't know what happens behind their closed doors - and I can assure you, its not always pretty :) If we can invest our time more in learning what God wants for us, rather than trying to wish our lives were more like someone elses, I think we will find a peace and joy that is far more enriching and satisfying than any material thing or personal attribute anyone else could have!

I am trying my best to live a life worthy of God's calling. But whilst parading down the red carpet of my life I am going to stack it in my high heels plenty of times down that runway!

You are beautiful. 
You are worthy. 
You are enough. 

xxx

Romans 3:23-24

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

Be still

Tonight I was reminded of an important lesson...to simply be still and listen.

Miss Placid is at the stage now where she has so many questions and so much to say...all the time. In the fast pace of life it is easy to brush her off when I am too busy with a simple, "mmm-hmmm.." or yes or no answers, without actually listening to what she is saying. Most of the time, it doesnt seem to bother her very much, she simply hops up and moves along to the next thing.

A few weeks ago, we had a blackout that started just as I was about to put the her to bed.  Thankfully, the blackout didnt last for very long at all - but she was frightened so I grabbed a heap of candles, lit them, and placed them strategically around the house. 

It was so beautiful to see her excitement and joy as we 'camped out' in the kitchen surrounded by the candlelight. She had the same nervous excitement that I have when a scary situation comes around. She was shaking and her little voice was trembling. "I'm a bit scared, mum. Can i have the iPad please". Peppa pig on the iPad solves all scary situations :)

The last few nights, just before her bedtime, she has been asking me to turn the lights off in the house and light some candles. In a rush to get her into bed (so I can have some downtime!) I have said no without a second thought to it. Though tonight, for some reason, I felt convicted of my thoughts and actions, and when she asked, "Mum, you turn lights off and put candles on, please?", I considered for a moment what it might mean to her. Yes, I was in a hurry to have a shower myself, clean the kitchen, read her a book and put her to bed...but she was wanting to experience something special.

I grabbed 5 tealight candles from the pantry, lit them and I placed them on the hallway dresser, just at her eye level. I switched off all the lights and tv's in the house and watched her. She stood beside those candles, just staring at them quietly, for what seemed an eternity. She uttered phrases like, "wow, they so cool mum", "oh, pretty" and "look, I see bubbles" (not quite sure what she meant by that!). 

I grabbed the camera to snap a few shots of this little memory making session, and she looked straight over to me and said, "you so nice, mum". It melted my heart. 

I soaked in every minute, wondering what was going through her little mind as she watched the tiny little wicker flicker with the flame. I asked her who made fire, and she said "God and Jesus did". We spoke of why he made light - so we could see in the dark and not be afraid, and also to keep us warm. The whole process took less than 20 minutes, but to her, I was honoring her by simply being still and listening to her. It was showing her that I do care about what she has to say.

As I sit here reflecting on this tonight, it is so inline with our walk with Christ. He is always trying to get our attention, he speaks to us, convicts us, tugs at our skirt while most of the time, we are too busy to stop and listen to what he is trying to tell us. If we simply take the time to BE STILL...not only are we showing him that we care about what he has to say, but we will be SO blessed by what he is saying and what he is trying to tell us or show us.

I am SO guilty of being too busy. I honestly do not know where the hours in the day go. By the time the kids are in bed by 7 all I want to do is go to bed myself! But I have so much I still need and want to do also, like cleaning, running my small business, spending time in God's word, spending time with my husband, having time to myself.....I wouldn't get any sleep if I tried to fit all that in of an evening! 

I wouldn't say that I hear God's audible voice, but I know that he convicts me of things DAILY. He is the small voice whispering things to me, questioning my actions, constantly reminding me to be the woman he intended me to be, to walk down the path he created for me and to trust him daily with everything, including my parenting. Sometimes, I simply need a little reminder, like the lesson with the candles tonight, to make me stop and remember that HE is always drawing me closer to him, begging me to walk the path he created for me, instead of one I keep trying to clumsily make myself.

I pray that this week, you may also find the time to stop and be still. Listen to your children and your loved ones. But most importantly, listen to what God is telling you. He is there, always beside you, always loving you, always gently whispering in your ear - whether it be directly to you or indirectly to you from someone else. Only He knows what is best for you....

xxx

Psalm 46:10

 “Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

1 Peter 3:4

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment...rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

It doesnt have to be so hard...

Sometimes life can just be so confusing, cant it? If its not overwhelming, with stress, anxiety, illness and uncertainty, its underwhelming, with the mundane things of a simple day to day existence.

The last few months for me have been a little of both.  It has been so hard to find a happy medium - a place where i am simply content. The days, weeks and months were just flying by and sometimes i didnt even know what my purpose was anymore. I know God has big things in store for me- I claim that - he just hasnt yet revealed them to me. But, in all honesty, i havent actively been seeking His purpose either. 

Sometimes i can get so caught up in the stresses of my life- trying to juggle it all in my own: being a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend - everyone wants a piece of me!!!  I have not liked the person i have become during this time. I was miserable, defeated, feeling like the worst mother in the world. I resented having to get up in the morning to face another day of tears, tantrums and sickness!!! Then, eventually (and sometimes this takes months!!) i remember - God is a good God and He asks us to lean on Him, seek Him, trust Him and ask him for help and guidance. Then i feel utterly ashamed at my stupidity - He must be sitting up there shaking his head thinking, "when will she learn life is meant to be enjoyed, not loathed- come to Me!!"

But you know what? When i does click and i do actually remember to trust in him- and to remember that he has a bigger purpose for all the little things in my life...that is when i feel the most content. Suddenly i become a new person!!! Calm, collected, patient, understanding. That is when i am a fun mum, a loving wife, a present daughter and an understanding sister and friend. He gives me the grace to keep on going and the patience to take each day one step at a time.

There is no need to live an anxious, stress-filled life. God wants us to be at peace so we can live to our full potential in Him - to live out the awesome life He has planned for us!! 

And the best part???.......Did you know he has one written specifically for YOU? He is just waiting, ever so patiently for you to remember and to stop trying to solve all your problems on your own!!

"Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete"

John 16:24