I have been feeling a little flat today.
Everything I do as a mother, is for the good of my girls, and my family. So much of my brain space is devoted to this....it is what keeps me up at night. I don't sleep well because I constantly think about how I can make the girls lives better, keep them healthier, heal their skin...etc etc.
We have been on a gluten and dairy free diet for DD2 for over a year now. We implemented it for her, but as a family, we all took it on. So it has effected all of us. It has been a really rough journey, but the results have been amazing. We know it works. It has worked. But over the past month or two, her eczema has started to rear its ugly red head again. It is by no means bad, or as bad as I know alot of people have it. But it is there. It is present. It affects her. She scratches it constantly. Therefore, I worry about it. I don't want her to have it anymore. And then on top of that, both of them now have Molluscum Contagiosum (what a name, huh!?) DD1 has had that for nearly a year now. I will put a post up about that awful and taboo topic in the near future, I promise.
I have lost track of how much money and time we have spent researching and changing diets/supplements/medications to get on top of it. In fact, I don't even want to know. But, when its benefiting your children, you would go to any lengths and pay any price to see them healthy, wouldn't you?
So what then happens, when you are at the end of your strength? Or when money starts becoming tight? What happens when the ailments come back and you don't know why? What happens when every time you go to a party or catch up with family or friends, and everyone else is eating cheescake for dessert, but you have to tell your young children, sorry you can't have that?
It kills you inside, that is what happens.
We decided, a few nights ago, to let the girls have some gluten and dairy (sparingly) again. No, I didn't go out and by coco pops, and tiny teddies and cupcakes galore. I let them have a vegemite and cheese sandwich (on normal bread) for lunch. I let them have some greek yoghurt with passionfruit as a snack and tonight they had 3 squares of cheese in their side salad for dinner.
You should have seen the girls that first day! They hadn't even set sight on a piece of cheese for so long! DD1 was over the moon! And DD2, scoffed that sandwich right down like she hadn't been fed for such a long time! They have been SO happy to eat some "normal" food again.
I had emailed our specialist a few days ago, just before we started reintroducing the food. She is the one who has been helping us all immensely on our journey to health. In my email I just told her, I am exhausted. It is getting too much.
Her reply came through last night and it knocked me for six and now I basically feel like I have 2 choices here. One, is to continue on with our gluten and dairy free diet, to keep DD2s gut health at its optimum. Because as far as we know and understand, those elements she is intolerant to are flaring up her gut, which, down the track, may lead to other complications, such as IBS, depression, anxiety, etc. Or, I can chuck the towel in and just do as I have been doing the last few days. Give them bits of dairy and gluten here and there and she can reap the repercussions when she gets older. Let me pose this question to you all...what would you do in this situation - as I feel like I am on a death sentence....ignore and let her eat happily and she MAY down the track really suffer from it, or stick to it and struggle financially, and let them miss out on eating normally on occasion with family/friends and miss out on those foods that your childhood is made up of?
I am not stupid. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that gluten and dairy have a strong impact for those who are intolerant. I am well aware that for DD2 she has shown intolerances to them both. I am approaching this with extreme caution, as I know, in the past, she has developed staph infections from her eczema getting out of control. I will never let it get to that. But, in my view, the eczema has been hanging around even with her being completely dairy and gluten free. If i notice it getting bad, we will reassess and start back with knocking the dairy and gluten out again. But for now, I just have to do what I can do as a mum. And that is, survive.
I am not perfect. I am no supermum. I have done some hard yards with the girls health, and still battle it daily. I guess the message I want to get across tonight is this: As a mum, you know what is best for your children, and your family. Don't ever second guess that. But also, don't feel such a weight on your shoulders to do it all. Sometimes, that is just not feasible or possible. If it is going to break you in the process, it absolutely is not worth it. Your children and your family NEED you. They need you to be happy...to be sane.
If your children are healthy, and happy (well....despite the odd tantrum or two), then you are absolutely doing everything right. If they cuddle and kiss you and tell you how much they love you, and how beautiful you are...you are doing it right, because they are appreciating all the little things you do for them. If they scream at you and tell you that you are the worst mum in the world, and that they want a new one...you are absolutely doing it right too, because you are setting important boundaries for them, they will appreciate them one day. If you do your best to prepare healthy wholesome food for them, you are doing it right. And if some days you just need to give them a slice of fairy bread for lunch, or you go through a McDonalds drive through, you are doing it right too.
There needs to be balance in every realm of this crazy job called motherhood. Everything in moderation (as my wise mother always tells me). Don't beat yourself up trying to do it all. I honestly believe all of my "whole food, healthy lifestyle, amazingly talented and healthy child bearing mama role models" in life don't do it perfectly every day. I follow many of them, some of them I know personally, and others I follow on various blogs. They absolutely would have their bad days. They would have days where things just aren't perfect enough for them to post about. So you will never read about them or hear about them. But just because they aren't posted, doesn't mean they are perfect..because they aren't. Nobody on this earth is. No mum has it all together. No child is the best child in the world. We are all only human trying to do the best things for ourselves and our families.
So, when you are having a dark moment and wondering how or if you will ever have it altogether, remind yourself of this: you are doing it ALL right, mama. You know what is best. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
xxx
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