The faith of a child

Life has been a bit of a whirlwind for us the past few months. With a trip to Perth, as well as Matt landing an amazing new job (which sees us moving in a couple of weeks), we have had our days cut out for us. I have been busy trying to keep the girls from killing each other entertain the girls whilst trying to do a thorough clean of the house ready for final inspection. It is near impossible. 

I had just popped DD2 down for her sleep when DD1 asked if I could read her some stories. She had a little 4 pack of miniature bible stories laid out infront of her on the floor of the playroom. I was exhausted, and could think of a million other things I could be doing at that moment, but I put my selfishness aside to spend some time with her. 

The first book was about Adam and Eve. As I started to read, I realised just how intently she was paying attention. She was asking questions about each part of the story, including "why don't they have any boobies?" (the pictures were very basic). She asked why God had said that they weren't to eat from the tree of knowledge, and asked why they had to leave the Garden and work hard. She was taking it all in.

The second book was about Moses. But it was the third book that this post is really about. This little book was about Jesus. She was listening so intently, dwelling on every word that was read.  

"But there were some people who did not like Jesus. They wanted to get rid of him. Jesus knew that he was in danger, so he had a last supper with his disciples. He told them that soon he would have to go away. "Don't be sad," he said. "Soon I will be in heaven." The people who did not like Jesus made up lies about him and soliders came to take Jesus away. The people hurt Jesus and then put him on a cross and soon Jesus was gone. Jesus' friends took his body down from the cross and carried him to a tomb with a big stone door. They said goodbye to Jesus and left him there, as it was a peaceful place. One of Jesus' friends, Mary Magdelene was sad about Jesus, so she went to visit his tomb. When she got there, Jesus' body was gone. An angel from heaven told her, "Jesus has risen, he is alive!" At once Mary spread the good news. Jesus visited his disciples. He asked them to go and tell people about God, but said that he could not stay with them. He had to leave to go and sit beside God up in heaven. The disciples were sad, but they did as Jesus asked. They went throughout the land and told everyone they could about God, spreading the good news.

She sat up and burst into tears, saying, "I just want to give Jesus a cuddle, why can't I give him a cuddle, I want to see him...I love him so much." I explained, that even though she couldn't see him, he was always with her, watching over her and loving her. He sends angels to give her cuddles and has given her family to cuddle whenever she is feeling sad. She again questioned why he couldn't be walking around like he was at the beginning of story. She wanted to know why people didn't like him, and why they had to hurt him and nail him to a cross. She couldn't fathom that anyone couldn't love her God, and it was a hard one for me to answer. I was just honest and said that some people choose not to love him, and some people don't even know who he is yet, but that he asked us to show others his love by being kind and telling them all about him. She continued on saying how she just wished she could be in heaven to be with God because she just loved him and wanted to be with him.

It really touched my heart, that someone so little, with such limited knowledge and understanding of God, could have such great faith and love for someone she has not seen. But it goes to show, that that is what faith is about. She knows she is loved and cherished by God and that she was created by Him individually...he made her in his image, as the only one of her kind. There is no one else like her. She is unique. She knows that he watches over her, loves her, guides her and keeps her safe. She knows she can run to him when she is feeling frightened or sad. 

As a mum, I know that life gets busy and in the way and I struggle to display my faith openly infront of the girls. Oftentimes my faith and relationship with Christ is done when I get space and quiet to myself to think and reflect. But this has left me encouraged that the girls do notice, they are learning and they are wanting to know more about everything in this world - so I should be more open in how I handle and deal with situations that require me to lean on Christ and have faith in him. They are looking for answers....about everything, honest answers. They are such little sponges waiting to soak up all the information they can get their hands on, and the connections they make at this age, really determine the people they grow into. 

I may not have a wealth of knowledge surrounding the bible, I don't know many verses or stories off by heart, but my love and heart for God is so huge, it hurts. I know how loved I am, and I strive to live my life in a manner that is pleasing to him. I pray that my children, if anything, simply have that same love and feel that same satisfaction that they are perfect just as they are. 

xxx

{Recipe} ::: Grandma Zoe's Casserole

I've bee meaning to share this recipe with you all for awhile now. It has to be one of my favourite meals to make in our house, not only because it tastes AMAZING, but it is also packed full of vegetable goodness, and makes such a large quantity it easily feeds our family for lunch and dinner for 2 days, sometimes more!

My mother-in-law has been making this for a long time, and gave me the recipe a few years back now. It is one of those really hearty meals, and I remember being amazed when I saw the recipe was so simple, thinking how on earth can this taste SO flavoursome...but it just does. It does take a little while to prep it all, but once it is done, it will be so worth it!

Play around with the vegetables you put in, and the quantities too, until you get it just the way you like it. I love the pumpkin the most in this dish, so I tend to use more pumpkin than the other veggies!

The recipe is below - so have a try and let me know how you go with it! Hopefully it will become a family favourite for you too!

Grandma Zoe's Casserole

500-700g beef stewing steak, cut into chunks

2 Tbs plain flour

Salt & Pepper

2 x onions, chopped

4 x cloves garlic, peeled

4 x carrots, chopped in bite size pieces

3 x potatoes, chopped in bite size pieces

4 x sticks celery, chopped in bite size pieces

1/2 pumpkin, chopped in bite size pieces

2 Tbs vegetable stock paste (optional)

Herbamare salt (optional)

Preheat your oven to 180 degrees. Place the steak in a plastic bag with the flour, salt and pepper and shake until well coated. Heat some oil in a large frying pan and cook the steak until browned through. Remove to a large casserole dish.

Put onions and garlic into the frying pan, and stir until soft, translucent and fragrant. Add in the rest of the vegetables and cook until all vegetables are well softened - don't skimp on this step. I let mine cook for a good 20 minutes or more, sitrring in between every so often. If you don't let them soften up as much as possible, they won't melt in your mouth at the end!
Add a little more oil if necessary.

Place the cooked vegetables on top of the meat in the casserole dish. Add a little water to your frypan along with the vegetable stock paste (if using) and rub the base of the frypan with a wooden spoon to release all the delicious juices and bits. Pour this liquid on top of the casserole, and top with a little more water if needed (until the liquid level is almost to the top of the dish). *The vegetable stock paste and herbamare are asbolutely optional. The dish still tastes fantastic without them.

Cover with foil (or a lid if you have one) and pop into the oven for 2 hours.

We find this quantity makes 8-10 serves, easily. If you aren't keen on eating it over the course of a couple of days, it freezes really well also.

xxx

Figuring out what is most important to YOU

It has been a really, really busy couple of weeks.

We had seen that our friends (originally from Perth, but they had moved to Sydney) were on a road trip and would be passing through our little town! So we offered to them to stay with us whilst they were passing through. They had 2 young girls and a little baby boy. Our house was full of life and love and chaos for 5 nights.

However, in this time, I truly learnt some valuable parenting lessons, and also asked some questions of myself and Matt about what we are truly doing here.

Our friends who stayed with us have quite an amazing story. He was accepted into the Navy (just like my Matt), but was training to be an officer. Everything was going to plan, until one day, out of the blue, he got hit by Meniere's disease. This disease took all of their hopes and plans and dreams right out of their hands. He was just about to pass over as an officer when he was discharged from the Navy and was told he would only be able to work in a role similar to someone at a McDonald's drive-through. Not quite the life they had planned for themselves.

They sunk themselves into a fantastic church in Sydney and enrolled into Bible College, and he has just recently been ordained as an Anglican Pastor. The reason for their travels through our humble town were that the were relocating from Sydney to Shark Bay to pastor the Anglican church there.

They live off a pension. It wouldn't be much. We would most definitely be on a fair wicket more than what they are. Yet we still complain, we still struggle to make ends meet. Yet they are content.

It really made me question what our purpose was on this earth. One night, as I was speaking to Tam, I had mentioned to her how when I was in highschool I had always wanted to go on a missions trip to Africa. Always. I had had prophesies over my life that involved ministry and speaking in front of thousands of people and impacting people's lives in that way. As I spoke to Tam, and laid down my shortcomings in this area, she humbly reminded me, that even though I may not be living out ministry in the way I had hoped or dreamed I would, that I was still capable of ministering to so many by just doing what I was doing....hosting people, praying for people, donating to people in ministry. Just because I haven't yet been called to ministry myself doesn't mean my life is any more insignificant.

I sometimes feel like we are always chasing the money. Always chasing to earn that little bit more to make ourselves more comfortable. To pay down our mortgage quicker, to be able to provide better for our kids, to enjoy our lives that little bit more. But when is enough, enough? Who knows what tomorrow may bring? For tomorrow may bring the end of everything you had planned and dreamed of. It may bring the death of a loved one, your husband, your children. It may be the end of a career. We should be living in the now, and making the most of what we have. And for Matt and I, i felt very humbled to be content with where we are, where God has placed us. To not worry so much about money and where it may come from. Obviously, to live smartly (and not past our means) but to live with purpose. Supporting those that we can, and trying to better ourselves in the process.

Matt and I spoke about joining a bible college for ourselves. And we would absolutely LOVE to be able to connect into a church and home group that really stretches us and challenges us. That is what is most important to us at the moment. As when we are trusting God and following his calling, and working on our relationship with him....everything else kind of becomes a blur and our focus on what is important sharpens. And when that happens, everything else falls into place. 

After our good friends left, I had another very busy weekend of makeup in town, 18 makeup applications over 2 days and 1 makeup education session. We were hosting a makeup artist in our house at that time too, and Matt was working the whole weekend, so the girls were getting watched by their Aunty and one of my friends alternately. It was mayhem and as much as I loved getting out and being involved in the makeup (and I was SO, so proud of doing it all on my own), it was very emotionally and physically draining in so many ways. All i wanted at the end of it all was my family. I wanted my girls back home with me, I wanted my house empty of guests, and I wanted a HUGE cuddle from my Matt, my rock. I needed to take solace in my family. 

I learnt alot from both weekends about staying true to yourself, and what your values are, but in the process, valuing yourself and not letting that be taken advantage of.

So, if you take anything away from this, I pray it would be this:

:::Stop apologizing for yourself, for your downfalls, for your family, for the state of your house.
::: Be content that you are doing what you need to do to survive, to get by, to be happy.
::: Trust that you are where God wants you to be at this specific moment in time.
:::Be kind, be generous, be giving, but don't let anyone take advantage of you or your family.
:::And above all else, forgive, and let go.

Keep on keeping on. Keep being kind. Keep praying for others. Keep supporting others. Don't forget who you are at your core. Don't forget your maker. 

Be encouraged, but don't lose sight of what is really most important in this life.

xxx

You can't win every battle

I have been feeling a little flat today.

Everything I do as a mother, is for the good of my girls, and my family. So much of my brain space is devoted to this....it is what keeps me up at night. I don't sleep well because I constantly think about how I can make the girls lives better, keep them healthier, heal their skin...etc etc.

We have been on a gluten and dairy free diet for DD2 for over a year now. We implemented it for her, but as a family, we all took it on. So it has effected all of us. It has been a really rough journey, but the results have been amazing. We know it works. It has worked. But over the past month or two, her eczema has started to rear its ugly red head again. It is by no means bad, or as bad as I know alot of people have it. But it is there. It is present. It affects her. She scratches it constantly. Therefore, I worry about it. I don't want her to have it anymore. And then on top of that, both of them now have Molluscum Contagiosum (what a name, huh!?) DD1 has had that for nearly a year now. I will put a post up about that awful and taboo topic in the near future, I promise.

I have lost track of how much money and time we have spent researching and changing diets/supplements/medications to get on top of it. In fact, I don't even want to know. But, when its benefiting your children, you would go to any lengths and pay any price to see them healthy, wouldn't you?

So what then happens, when you are at the end of your strength? Or when money starts becoming tight? What happens when the ailments come back and you don't know why? What happens when every time you go to a party or catch up with family or friends, and everyone else is eating cheescake for dessert, but you have to tell your young children, sorry you can't have that? 

It kills you inside, that is what happens.

We decided, a few nights ago, to let the girls have some gluten and dairy (sparingly) again. No, I didn't go out and by coco pops, and tiny teddies and cupcakes galore. I let them have a vegemite and cheese sandwich (on normal bread) for lunch. I let them have some greek yoghurt with passionfruit as a snack and tonight they had 3 squares of cheese in their side salad for dinner.

You should have seen the girls that first day! They hadn't even set sight on a piece of cheese for so long! DD1 was over the moon! And DD2, scoffed that sandwich right down like she hadn't been fed for such a long time! They have been SO happy to eat some "normal" food again.

I had emailed our specialist a few days ago, just before we started reintroducing the food. She is the one who has been helping us all immensely on our journey to health. In my email I just told her, I am exhausted. It is getting too much. 

Her reply came through last night and it knocked me for six and now I basically feel like I have 2 choices here. One, is to continue on with our gluten and dairy free diet, to keep DD2s gut health at its optimum. Because as far as we know and understand, those elements she is intolerant to are flaring up her gut, which, down the track, may lead to other complications, such as IBS, depression, anxiety, etc. Or, I can chuck the towel in and just do as I have been doing the last few days. Give them bits of dairy and gluten here and there and she can reap the repercussions when she gets older. Let me pose this question to you all...what would you do in this situation - as I feel like I am on a death sentence....ignore and let her eat happily and she MAY down the track really suffer from it, or stick to it and struggle financially, and let them miss out on eating normally on occasion with family/friends and miss out on those foods that your childhood is made up of?

I am not stupid. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that gluten and dairy have a strong impact for those who are intolerant. I am well aware that for DD2 she has shown intolerances to them both. I am approaching this with extreme caution, as I know, in the past, she has developed staph infections from her eczema getting out of control. I will never let it get to that. But, in my view, the eczema has been hanging around even with her being completely dairy and gluten free. If i notice it getting bad, we will reassess and start back with knocking the dairy and gluten out again. But for now, I just have to do what I can do as a mum. And that is, survive. 

I am not perfect. I am no supermum. I have done some hard yards with the girls health, and still battle it daily. I guess the message I want to get across tonight is this: As a mum, you know what is best for your children, and your family. Don't ever second guess that. But also, don't feel such a weight on your shoulders to do it all. Sometimes, that is just not feasible or possible. If it is going to break you in the process, it absolutely is not worth it. Your children and your family NEED you. They need you to be happy...to be sane.

If your children are healthy, and happy (well....despite the odd tantrum or two), then you are absolutely doing everything right. If they cuddle and kiss you and tell you how much they love you, and how beautiful you are...you are doing it right, because they are appreciating all the little things you do for them. If they scream at you and tell you that you are the worst mum in the world, and that they want a new one...you are absolutely doing it right too, because you are setting important boundaries for them, they will appreciate them one day. If you do your best to prepare healthy wholesome food for them, you are doing it right. And if some days you just need to give them a slice of fairy bread for lunch, or you go through a McDonalds drive through, you are doing it right too.

There needs to be balance in every realm of this crazy job called motherhood. Everything in moderation (as my wise mother always tells me). Don't beat yourself up trying to do it all. I honestly believe all of my "whole food, healthy lifestyle, amazingly talented and healthy child bearing mama role models" in life don't do it perfectly every day. I follow many of them, some of them I know personally, and others I follow on various blogs. They absolutely would have their bad days. They would have days where things just aren't perfect enough for them to post about. So you will never read about them or hear about them. But just because they aren't posted, doesn't mean they are perfect..because they aren't. Nobody on this earth is. No mum has it all together. No child is the best child in the world. We are all only human trying to do the best things for ourselves and our families. 

So, when you are having a dark moment and wondering how or if you will ever have it altogether, remind yourself of this: you are doing it ALL right, mama. You know what is best. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

xxx

{Recipe}::: Quick and easy coconut vegetable curry

We are overdue for a grocery shop. Matt is on night shifts at the moment and I just cannot fathom heading to the shops to do a weekly shop with the girls at the moment. Actually....there is nothing worse I could think of!

As the day went on, I knew we didn't have any meat left, but I thought we might have enough produce to whip up some sort of a risotto.

It was around 3pm when I had a look in the pantry to discover...we had only about 1 tablespoon of risotto rice left! Darn!! What the heck were we going to have for dinner?! I thought, oh we could have omelettes, but no...out of eggs. Oh, I could make a pizza...no, I dont fancy bacon and pumpkin pizza!

I put my thinking cap on and had a look at the seemingly sad looking vegetables that were left in my fridge. I had about 3 carrots, a 1/4 pumpkin, 5 sticks of celery, a head of broccoli, a handful of sad looking spinach, and a punnet of cherry tomatoes as well as some potato and onion and garlic. I thought, hmmm its going to have to be some sort of vegetarian meal, obviously, with a whole lotta mixed vegetables!

Lets make a vegetable curry!

Luckily, I always have a good supply of coconut milk and coconut cream in my pantry as they would help this meal along alot! Here is the recipe:

Coconut Vegetable Curry

2 Tbs coconut oil

1 onion, chopped

2 cloves garlic, minced

2 tins coconut cream (270ml each)

2 Tbs curry powder

1 Tbs maple syrup

1 Tbs Tamari (or soy) sauce

2 Tbs Vegetable stock paste 

1 cup water

1 pinch salt

5 sticks celery, cut in chunks

2 carrots, sliced and quartered in chunks

4 potatoes, cut in chunks

1/4 pumpkin, cut in chunks

1 head of broccoli, cut into pieces

punnet of tomatoes

1 cup frozen peas

handful of spinach

Heat the coconut oil in a large saucepan. Add onion and garlic and stir until softened and fragrant.

Add coconut cream, curry powder, maple syrup, tamari, vegetable stock paste, water and salt and stir. 

Add celery, carrots, potatoes and pumpkin. Pop the lid on and bring to the boil. When boiling, reduce to a simmer and let sit until the vegetables are soft (approx 15 minutes).

Add tomatoes, broccoli and peas and cook through.

Turn off the heat and add spinach and stir through until wilted.

Serve with basmati rice and pappadums. Add some coconut cream or coconut yoghurt (or normal yoghurt) for the kids.

You can be as flexible as you like with this meal. Any vegetables would do: sweet potato, cauliflower, zucchini, etc. Experiment with what you have. This is a fabulous way to use up leftover vegetables in your fridge before you do a new grocery shop! If you don't have Vegetable Stock Paste, a simple vegetable stock powder would be fine. And it isn't even that necessary, it would taste just as amazing without it!

I hope you enjoy this recipe! Let me know if you give it a go!

xxx

So will I comfort you

 Sometimes, my steam tank just runs dry. I get overwhelmed. The kids are being a handful, I struggle to find the words to parent them, explain to them, my head becomes a cloud of confusion and all the stresses of my day to day life just washes over me and drowns me.

I know this well. I have been here before time and time again. That point where I am at the end of my strength, it is God's way of willing me back to him. I am so blessed to be able to hear his audible voice. He speaks to me, encourages me, holds my hand, and most important of all, he waits for me. He is patient, ever loving, ever forgiving. 

Life always gets in the way. It is fast paced. It moves with such a motion that it sweeps me off my feet and away in its current. The dance of our day to day lives becomes such a routine that it is predictable. There is comfort in that predicatability, but there is also a sense of loss. A sense that I am missing out on so much more. In the rush of things, I forget to make time to sit in His presence. And when I do that, I forget that I have someone who has the answers to make troubles seem bearable. To make parenting bearable. To make life bearable. He has the solutions. But I forget, and I try to do it all on my own.

I spend hours running things over and over in my mind, trying to make sense of things, trying to find solutions. I worry over my girls' health. I worry about if I am doing the right thing by restricting their diet to help their skin, when some days, it all seems in vain. I fear that I am doing damage by not parenting 'right': not saying the right things, not explaining things well enough to the girls. They fight and argue and bicker and don't share, and I get lost in it all, trying to figure out how to teach them on my own.And these are only part of my worries and concerns. There are many, many more.

They consume me. 

I find I spend all my time comforting the girls, helping others, but who is there to comfort me? Then I remember. That strong steady voice, calls my name, and I remember.

Today, hasn't been too bad. I've previously mentioned we are in a "rough" phase at the moment with the girls...there are massive mood swings, a lot of tears, many tantrums. They are not getting along so well at this point in time. It had been an intense morning at the shops with the girls, and I came home rattled and shaken with their behaviour. I popped DD2 down for a nap, and went to hang the washing out, knowing that when that was done, I would make a hot cup of tea and sit down for some peace.  

As I was hanging the clothes out, the wind rustled my hair and a peace came over me. He willed me to get on my knees, and speak to him. So I did. I asked for forgiveness for trying to do it all on my own, for ignoring him and not listening to what he has to say. Not trusting in him. I asked for his guidance and for him to help me find the words to say, when I feel I have none when it comes to teaching these beautiful girls of mine. I asked him for peace when I feel I have none, and a sense of calm when there is chaos. 

I made that hot cup of Rooibos and sat down at the table with my bible and a notepad. I was ashamed that I had to even find my bible, which had been sitting in my drawer, for far too long, untouched. I opened to the end of the chapter of Isaiah, and instantly found comfort in his words. The one tiny verse that spoke to my heart directly was this: 

"As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you.." Isaiah 66:13

We spend so much of our time comforting our children, they become our focus, because they are "our everything". We love them with such passion and fervor and only want to do the best by them and for them. Sometimes, when we are focusing so hard on that, everything else in the bigger picture can become blurred....and we lose sight of what is most essential and important. We stop nurturing ourselves, we stop nurturing our relationships with our partners, and we stopped feeding our relationship with God. 

Don't feel shame at not being able to handle everything on your own. We are only human, we are not perfect. There is someone who wants to lighten your burden, beautiful mama. Someone who wants to pick you up and comfort you. Someone who wants to carry you when you feel you can go on no longer. Someone who loves you so, so much, he died just....for...you. All you need to do, is ask. Seek Him, and you will find Him.

xxx

A wave of emotions

I am slowly beginning to learn that my children's behaviour comes in waves. We will have a period of time where everything seems to be bliss...they are happy, they play nicely with each other and other children, they use their manners, they are polite, they dress themselves, they do as they are asked without complaining. Man...we love those times.  All is well in the world and we feel as though we have this parenting gig down pat. These periods go by so fast!

Then, they throw us a flippin curveball. They fight, argue, and bicker with one another. They speak rudely, they don't use manners. They tell me they don't love me anymore, or to go away, or that they want a new mum. They meltdown over really minuscule little things. These periods take forever...they are long and drawn out and make you feel like the worst parents in the world. They make you wonder what the heck you are doing so wrong for your kids to be behaving in this way.

We are in this "phase" now. 

And it sucks a big fat one.

But, its not just children who experience these waves in feelings and emotions. Adults are just the same, though we can generally manage them, or know why we are feeling that way, and we can usually identify triggers and learn methods to pull ourselves out of these ruts. 

As much as I despise these periods, I also think, they are absolutely necessary. They are necessary for growth. They are character building (for the child as much as for the parents). They allow us a chance to really connect with our kids. And no, not just in the screaming matches that generally ensue between the kids and their parents....moreso that they give us opportunities to really sit down and talk with them about how they are feeling. 

In my household, these "chats" don't always work out for the best. Often times I just get yelled at, or I often end up in tears with the nasty words spoken. But, again, it is so important, as its teaching them the importance of emotions..that words can hurt, and they have an effect and consequence.

Matt has had the last week off work (an awesome perk of the roster he is on). We haven't had any grand plans to go away camping anywhere this time, but we have spent the time together, as a family, each day. I cooked up a delicious breakfast of bacon, poached eggs and avocado for us all, and as a special treat, gave the kids a cup of juice. The breakfast was met with disgust for a start, They only ate the toast on their plate, and left everything else. Awesome. Twas going to be a fabulous day!

After a shower and getting everyone ready, we thought we would take the kids down to the park. They could ride on their new little swivel cars on the walk there. Matt grabbed a soccer ball too so we could have a kick around. It was a windy day, so I asked DD1 to come so I could tie her hair back. She used to have a severe fear of the wind and would get very frustrated when the wind blew her hair. We are pretty much over this, but now, we hate having our hair tied back. She of course kicked up a big fuss about having her hair done.  We asked the girls to grab their cars and head out the door so we could go, when DD1 yelled: "No, I don't want to ride that one, I want to take my bike". Well, Ok then, if that's what you would prefer, grab your helmet and lets go. 

**overdramatic roll of the eyes**"Ughhhhhhhhhh...NO i don't want to wear my helmet"

I knew this would be the case. She hates having her hair tied back, but even moreso when there is a helmet on top. OK then, what would you prefer, wear the helmet and ride your bike, or ride your swivel car, or just walk. **groans and grunts through gritted teeth** "I'll just walk then"

OK....In my most cheerful voice...Out we go kids! Seriously, at this point I wonder why I even bother to do anything special for the kids. It almost always ends in failure!

She dragged her feet for the most part of the walk to the park, which is a mere stroll down our street away. Then when she saw how much fun her little sister was having riding her swivel car, of course, she got cross. "I want my car!!!" We explained that she had chosen to leave it at home, but she wouldn't have a bar of it, and wanted us to go back to get it. I thought this was as good a time as any to explain to her how consequences work and how if you say one thing, you can just go back and have the other. 

We walked over to a spot on the grass to play with the ball, and of course she wouldn't have a bar of it. She slumped down in a heap, arms folded, head down. It took me a good 20 minutes or so of talking through the emotions she was feeling, before I got her to come around and play on the playground. I tried getting her to play a bit of soccer with me, but that was too hard. She then suggested we run to the middle of the oval, but after about 10 paces, she gave up huffing and puffing saying that was too hard. I sat down and pretended to be exhausted myself, and started mimicking some of her behaviour, which got her to notice. "Hey mum, I just want you to come and play with me."

It turned into a lovely park visit, and it was so nice to have my happy girl back. Running around, carefree, exploring the playground. Everything was back to normal. That was, until a little later that day, we had another meltdown. Again, it was over something so tiny, but it stirred up huge emotions for her. My grumpy girl was back. 

We had recently just seen the new movie Inside Out (which, by the way, was awesome!), so I spoke with her about the different emotions she was feeling, and asked her, what was going on. "Im just feeling mad and sad". She had been yelling at me for some time, and trying to run away from me, telling me I was the worst mum and she didn't like me anymore, nor did she want to talk to me. It was really cutting me into pieces, but I knew I needed to persist. I absolutely hated seeing her like this. I was having flash-forwards (these are the opposites of flashbacks, haha do they even exist? They do now!) of her growing up into this angry teenager, who hated the world and everything in it. I become lost when she is like this and I do everything I can to get her back to being happy as when she is in one of these moods, I feel like a failure. I explained how it upset me and hurt me to see her so sad and mad. I said how much I missed my happy girl, then I asked if she knew where that girl was. "She is in my loveheart, but I just don't know how to get her back" I asked if there was anything I could do to make that happy girl come back, and she said she didn't know.

She came to me about 10 minutes after I left her alone (at her request), and apologized. Without prompting she said she was sorry and that she didn't like to see me upset and sad. We hugged and she sobbed in my arms, not just a little sob, but big tears of relief, that she had worked out those little voices in her mind and set them free. 

After processing this today, I have decided that it is absolutely ok for my girls to feel mad and sad. There is always times when we need to feel these things. And sometimes, when someone is feeling that way, there isnt much you can do or say to help them. But acknowledging that you hear them, and that you are there for them when they need you, is worth its weight in gold. I know when I am frustrated and angry, or really upset, there isn't much anyone could say to make me feel better. I need time to process those thoughts and feelings myself. So as much as I hate seeing her in these "moods" (which can be really soul destroying for me to witness), I am realizing that they are important for her to experience. I have equipped her with words to express how she is feeling and that is a great start. She knows she has a loving home, with family that adore her, and that she is safe. She sees the consequences and effects her moods have on others, and that too is an important lesson to learn in itself. 

Life is a rollercoaster, and for kids, that rollercoaster must be pretty daunting and scary sometimes. It can be a massive maze to navigate on their own. I have learnt a massive lesson today from DD1. It is amazing what we can learn from kids if we take the time to listen to them, and understand things from their perspective.  

These are some of the steps I like to take when tackling big emotions. Of course, this is age appropriate, this would work for DD1 (nearly 4), but not quite yet with DD2 (2 years old). This scenario below isn't the best, but it provides an idea of how the steps actually work.

Ask them about their behaviour
--after throwing a major tanturm about packing toys away as asked--

"What is going on, why are you behaving like this"

--I just don't want to pack away, its boring--

Get them to tell you how it is making them feel

"How does this make you feel?"
--I feel frustrated and mad--

Acknowledge their feelings

"I understand you are feeling frustrated and mad. It can be frustrating when you have to do something that you don't want to do"

Explain to them how it is making you feel
"When I see you like this, it makes me feel upset and hurt"

Ask them what they need to make them feel better and follow through with that

--tantrum continuing--
"What can we do to make you feel better?"

--I don't want to talk to you, I just want to be left alone--

Give them time

Allow them the space they need to process how they are feeling. And you take some time too. Walk away, make a cuppa, have a cry...do what you need to do!

Reconcile 

When the time is right, they will either come to you, or you may need to go to them. Talk through what has happened, if they apologise, thank them for the apology and give them a big sloppy cuddle and kiss. Explain to them that you are feeling happy that they have done that, and ask how they are now feeling too. Sometimes, they are still feeling upset, and that is ok. In this particular scenario, I would then go on to explain that the packing away still needs to occur, and that it is about helping each other and obeying instructions, etc.

So if you are like me and have noticed these waves of good and bad times with your kids, try not to be so harsh on them when they are experiencing these big emotions. They are trying to get their heads around it as much as you are. They might say and do some things that make you question if they are really even love you....but they do, they absolutely do. If they need space, give them that, if they need cuddles, give them that. Be stern and firm, but above all, be kind....and listen to what they are trying to tell teach you.

xxx

A very happy birthday for our little ray of sunshine...

On this date, 2 years ago, a little ray of sunshine was born into our lives. She was running a little behind on her date of arrival, about a week to be exact, which did drive her mum supremely crazy! 

I tried every trick in the book to bring her labour on, but she was quite warm and cosy in there....so she made me wait it out. I recall having long hot baths, rubbing Clary sage oil onto my belly, which just made the braxton hicks contractions stronger, but didn't do much for bringing on the labour. I have since learnt, there isn't much you can do....babies will come when THEY are ready...not when I am ready :)

It was a Thursday morning, the 11th of July, and I had taken DD1 to Playgroup. It was a freezing cold day, I was feeling huge and absolutely over it, as DD2 was a week past her due date. I recall the 'plug' coming out and a slight 'show', which made me excited that her appearance mustn't be too far off. I called mum to let her know, as she would have to drive up to watch DD1 if things progressed, but I wasn't holding my hopes out! I had already had a stretch and sweep a few days prior, which didn't seem to have much effect!

Late that evening, after we had put DD1 to bed, the contractions came on quite quickly. I was hoping and praying that my waters would break first again this time, so I would know for sure labour was imminent, but that didn't happen. However, I knew for certain, that this was the beginning! The contractions were very regular, and coming on quite strong. I phoned the hospital and they told me to come in for a check up (though, they thought I was just exaggerating!). My beautiful angel friend (Tracey) came up at around 9pm, to watch over DD1, whilst Matt and I ducked into the hospital. I phoned my mum to get her to come up to take over from Tracey too.

At hospital, the midwives hooked me up to the machines and started monitoring my progress. The contractions were regular and strong, however upon examination, I was only 3cm. I knew, from when I had DD1, that that didn't mean much as I seem to progress very fast! So I wanted to be admitted, but the midwives told me to go home and labour there for awhile before coming back in. I honestly didn't want to go, I tried my best to stay there, but they insisted.

When I arrived back home, at about 10:00pm, Mum was there. Matt jumped back to bed for some rest, whilst I stayed up bouncing on the fit ball in front of the gas heater. Mum sat with me and helped me time my contractions. They were very close at this stage and started becoming very unbearable. I knew it was time to go back in. So at around 11pm, Mum helped me get DD1s car seat out of our 4wd (as she would need it the next day), as we were trying to get it out though, I dropped one of the back car seats down onto mums wrist and smashed her Guess watch! Sorry, mum! It was so tricky trying to manoeuvre myself in the back of the car to get that silly seat unhooked and out in between contractions! Mum went to get Matt out of bed and told him he had to take me back to the hospital as this was it! 

It was pitch black, and not a soul was out on the road. We had the heater blasting in the car as Matt hurried off to the hospital. I was hanging onto, what Matt calls, the "Holy S*it Bars" in the car for dear life, cringing as each contraction came over me in a wave. We raced into the labour ward and they took their sweet time coming to check me over and admit me in, finally! When the midwives got around to doing the internal examination, they found I was still only 3cm! How could that be? Why wasn't this labour progressing as quickly as it had with DD1?! The midwives said it was because I was, to put it politely....'blocked up'....my bowels were full.....basically, I needed to do a poo! ha ha! And that was what was holding back the labour! There is no way I could have gone to the toilet...I had been so constipated the whole pregnancy. I knew I couldn't possibly get anything out easily...and I wanted this baby out fast! So the midwives decided to give me....

....an enema...

*duh duh daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa* 

 I was so embarrassed, and scared! I had no idea what to expect, never having one before! It was uncomfortable and disgusting, but over in a few seconds....after I lost all my dignity. After the 'procedure' was done, they told me to simply lay still and wait for it to have an effect, and that it could take up to 30 minutes.....well, within 5 minutes I ran to the loo and felt AMAZZZZZZZZING!

Now my bowels were clear, things got intense, straight away! I jumped under the shower, and cranked the heat up to as hot as it could go. It was scalding my back and bottom, but I didn't care, it drowned out the intense pain from the contractions. The midwives started to fill up the bath, but I wasn't allowed to hop in until I was 4cm. They left me to labour as they assumed I was going to be awhile. I was squatting down in the shower, holding onto the edge of the bath when my waters suddenly broke. This was it.....I screamed for Matt to get the midwives as she was coming. She surged down so fast, I barely made it onto the labour bed before she came. The midwives kind of moseyed into the room until they realised I was pushing. I was on all fours on the bed, and with one big push, she arrived. I turned around onto my back, and was shaking....I was in shock! I couldn't believe how quick it all happened. From the time of the enema to the time she was born, it was just over 30 minutes. That is a super fast time to go from 3cm to 10cm!

She was here....our precious little girl, and she was beautiful. She was well overcooked, her cheeks were flushed and her fingers and toes had started to peel, from that extra week she hung on in my womb. The midwives handed her to me then pretty much left me to it! They told me to shower and dress and then they would take me up to my room. I had a lovely long, hot shower, washed my hair, put some makeup on...I felt a million dollars! There is nothing like the rush that natural birth gives....it is a natural high! 

The midwives wheeled me up to my room at about 6am and then told Matt that he had to go home as it wasn't "visiting" hours yet.............excuse me, what!? We just had a baby, and your making him go home for a few hours? Yep....rules were rules! So, Matt went home to have a sleep in and some breakfast, while I stayed in the hospital, in a shared room, by myself. Never mind that the people next to me had visitors next to them...chatting away loudly, whilst I was trying to get some rest and bond with my baby! I was pretty furious, but never mind! I enjoyed getting to know my precious little girl. 

I'll never forget when Matt and my mum came in to visit with DD1. It was one of the most precious memories I have. Mum had brought DD1 a little baby doll of her own a few weeks before the birth, to get her used to caring for a loving a doll. She came in with her hair tied back in piggy tails, and I had never seen her look so grown up. She looked like she had grown in the space of less than 24 hours since I had last seen her. She suddenly looked so big...she was no longer my baby, but my big girl! She kissed her brand new little sister with such care, but still held some reserve as to who this new person was in our lives!

All the family and some friends came to visit in the hospital and at home. We were blessed with gifts and meals, and felt surrounded by love.  I struggled with PND again with DD2, but I knew what to look for this time. DD2 was quite an unsettled baby (like her sister was) and we struggled to breastfeed, even moreso than I did with DD1...we lasted 6 weeks, which killed me as I wanted SO badly to have that beautiful breastfeeding bond with my baby that so many other mums master. I felt like I failed in that department, yet again. She had tongue tie, that wasn't picked up until she was a few weeks old. I was surprised no-one checked for it sooner! I went to multiple lactation consultants/paeds and doctors to try and get on top of why she was so unsettled and not feeding well or gaining much weight. They snipped her tongue tie when she was about 2 weeks old, and she was diagnosed with silent reflux at 1 month old and put on medication (which she stayed on until she was 17 months!) We then struggled to get her eczema under control, which caused a chain reaction of other health problems, which you can read more about here on my last blog post.

When she was put on the bottle, she became a different child. She was settled...and SO much happier. I remember it well as it coincided with the time we went up to Broome for my best friend, Maggie's wedding. I had just weaned her off the breast and onto the bottle, and that first day in Broome, we noticed how happy she was. She laid in the pram as we went for a walk to a cafe, content, then fell asleep....which never happened! It was the beginning of our "sunshine" child. 

Matt and I would often say how she was just so happy and content, and had such a sunny personality. It was a breath of fresh air as DD1 struggled for much longer, and was far more unsettled. DD2 still struggled to sleep well, but when you are getting rest in one form or another (and for us, it was just in her being content through the day), you can deal with almost anything!

She took a fair bit of backlash from her bigger sister over the months before she could start standing up for herself. DD1 really struggled to accept her, and for a long time, I felt guilty and sorry for the both of them. But, as DD2 grew, she started getting her own back and now, and where we are now, they are both getting along ALMOST perfectly....as they can communicate with one another and interact much better!

Happiest of Birthdays to our little flower :) We have been so blessed by you! You have been a ray of sunshine since the moment you came into our lives...and with everything you have been through, you have maintained that beautiful, happy personality! As you have grown, it has kind of developed into a slightly crazy wild-child personality! You have a wild fire in your eyes that just spells MISCHIEF! 

But, that is what we love the most about her! You are a go-getter. You don't stick to the rules. You like a challenge, and you love danger! You love climbing things, and most certainly aren't afraid of heights. You will give anything a go, even if your mum says not to! You don't like not being able to do things on your own...you prefer to master if yourself, even if it means wearing your clothes back to front and inside out and with your shoes on the wrong feet!

You are always scruffy. Your sister was always so well dressed and dainty, but I haven't been able to master that with you. Your hair is always unkempt, and you always have mess on your face, in your hair, on your clothes...I can't keep up! You are like a tornado....but I love that you are like that! I love that you are so different from your sister, chalk and cheese!

You have the most infectious laugh. You love being chased around the house with us chasing after you like a monster, only to catch you and tickle you til you can  take it no more and you tell us in between giggles to "stop!" Then you quickly say....."more". And you also pull the most ridiculous faces....the best is your "smile" - when we ask you to smile, you screw your little button nose up and clench your eyes closed....it is THE cutest!

You hate having your hair done, but love wearing hats. You also have a slight random obsession with shoes, but after putting them both on, you like to take just one off, and walk around lopsided like that. You also have a style all of your own, and you LOVE dressing yourself...you come out with some pretty awesome creations!

You have such a kind, gentle spirit, under that loud persona. If I sneeze, you instantly say "bless you, mama". If you hear someone say "Ouch", straight away you say "You, ok?" If someone is sad, or crying, you hate it - and come over to give a cuddle, and a little pat on the back with those tiny hands of yours, saying "s'ok...s'alright", as you give a little kiss on the top of their head. If your sister is asking for her water bottle, you run to find it and give it to her. Or if she is sad, you run to bring her her bunny rabbit. Your heart is good and pure, and so so kind.

I often find you doing something random...like just chilling on the floor eating your apple, or sitting on top of a table playing your iPad. 

You are OBSESSED with water....and now you can open doors I often hear the sound of the tap running in the bathroom, only to find you up on the stool, with toothpaste smeared all over your face and the bench, and water spilt everywhere. Or, in the toilet, with the toilet clogged full of paper and you trying to shove it all down with the toilet brush! If I give you a cup of water, you like just dipping your fingers in it and licking it off, as you run around the house, sloshing it around on the floor as you go! 

I still have to keep my kitchen sink cupboard locked, as if I forget, you find it, and love to explore that forbidden cupboard, and touch the forbidden things, such as the dishwasher tablets, which you seem to think are lollies.

You love being outside...If i so much as even open a door, you come running. It is because you really are just obsessed with the car. You ask me multiple times a day, to go outside just so you can go sit in the car, which I rarely let you do, as you just would spend HOURS in there, climbing around the seats, playing with all the switches and buttons, and buckling and unbuckling your seat belt.......hours...........and when I say its time to come inside, you CRACK it...big time....melt down central......I know beautiful, it is the end of your world :)  

You are SO flexible....like, its ridiculous! Your legs bend every which way, I'm jealous as that was something I had to work SO hard for! It doesn't phase you or interest you much though, but you do like to sit there and chew your toes...and your fingers for the matter. Always biting your nails, just like I used to! We are mowing through the dummies with you too as you keep biting through them!

You are frightened of the sound of cars and motorbikes going past, and because of where we live, they go past quite frequently. If they are loud, you cover your ears and run for me. If its thundering, you slowly and lay down flat on the floor, on your back, covering your ears.......

But in the next breath, you love making NOISE! The nosier the better. You have been screaming at the top of your lungs since you came into this world...you like to make yourself heard! 

You love your daddy. You are definitely a daddy's girl. And you love your sister, so so much! You really just want to be like her, and have everything she has...and it drives her crazy, but she will grow up to realise, that is pretty special, hang in there!

You are an explorer, you have never feared running away from me in a park, or going off to do your own thing in a playground, the complete opposite of your big sister.

 You are a playdough eater....it drives me crazy! 

  You are always running...you never stop! And if you do, we know you are not feeling well. You will lay on the couch with your blanket and give the longest cuddles if that is the case! And you are so, absolutely beautiful, and at peace, when you sleep. That is when you recharge your little batteries so you can have all the energy you need to race around the world again when you wake!

You LOVE scooting around the house on that little rabbit ride on. You ride that thing like you are the coolest kid on the block and you own the joint! It is so funny to watch you do it with such swagger.

You love animals....you could kill them with your kindness, quite literally! You practically squash Billie when he comes and lays on the floor in front of you. If you see a dog on the street, you want to run to it, no matter its size!

You have a will of your own, and it is strong. You will tell me if you aren't happy: "I not want that....go away.....yuck.....", but if you do something wrong, you are quick to say, "I sorry, mum". I had to quit your swimming lessons, after the first lesson, because you screamed blue murder when you got told what to do! You wouldn't have a bar of it! No, I'm not giving mum the watering can to pour on her head, that thing is mine...woman!

Your vocabulary out stands us, you are coming out with new words and sayings everyday. You still get some sounds muddled up, but it is so cute! Water is "waller". You tell me "I hungee" if you are hungry. "I narnee" when you want a banana. You are keen to try any word we say. If you don't hear what we say you will say "what said, mum?" and are always asking "what is it"? to everything you aren't quite yet sure of.

You have started saying your grace for dinner and lunch, and it is the sweetest thing to hear. You jumble the words up, but always get the "AMMMMMMMMMENNNNNN!" shouted at the top of your lungs at the end!

You LOVE music and dancing, your face lights up when you hear a song you love! Your favourite is "happy" off Despicable me. We used to play that to you to make you happy when you were sad, and it is still your favourite today. 

You are amazing, talented, beautiful, funny, kind, gentle, wild, strong......we all love you fiercely, and are so thankful that you chose us to be your family. We cannot wait to see where the future takes you, young lady....as I know you are going to chase it with such fervor and energy. You are destined for greatness.

Love you so, so much. Happy birthday our littlest minion and wildling.

xxx