A wave of emotions

I am slowly beginning to learn that my children's behaviour comes in waves. We will have a period of time where everything seems to be bliss...they are happy, they play nicely with each other and other children, they use their manners, they are polite, they dress themselves, they do as they are asked without complaining. Man...we love those times.  All is well in the world and we feel as though we have this parenting gig down pat. These periods go by so fast!

Then, they throw us a flippin curveball. They fight, argue, and bicker with one another. They speak rudely, they don't use manners. They tell me they don't love me anymore, or to go away, or that they want a new mum. They meltdown over really minuscule little things. These periods take forever...they are long and drawn out and make you feel like the worst parents in the world. They make you wonder what the heck you are doing so wrong for your kids to be behaving in this way.

We are in this "phase" now. 

And it sucks a big fat one.

But, its not just children who experience these waves in feelings and emotions. Adults are just the same, though we can generally manage them, or know why we are feeling that way, and we can usually identify triggers and learn methods to pull ourselves out of these ruts. 

As much as I despise these periods, I also think, they are absolutely necessary. They are necessary for growth. They are character building (for the child as much as for the parents). They allow us a chance to really connect with our kids. And no, not just in the screaming matches that generally ensue between the kids and their parents....moreso that they give us opportunities to really sit down and talk with them about how they are feeling. 

In my household, these "chats" don't always work out for the best. Often times I just get yelled at, or I often end up in tears with the nasty words spoken. But, again, it is so important, as its teaching them the importance of emotions..that words can hurt, and they have an effect and consequence.

Matt has had the last week off work (an awesome perk of the roster he is on). We haven't had any grand plans to go away camping anywhere this time, but we have spent the time together, as a family, each day. I cooked up a delicious breakfast of bacon, poached eggs and avocado for us all, and as a special treat, gave the kids a cup of juice. The breakfast was met with disgust for a start, They only ate the toast on their plate, and left everything else. Awesome. Twas going to be a fabulous day!

After a shower and getting everyone ready, we thought we would take the kids down to the park. They could ride on their new little swivel cars on the walk there. Matt grabbed a soccer ball too so we could have a kick around. It was a windy day, so I asked DD1 to come so I could tie her hair back. She used to have a severe fear of the wind and would get very frustrated when the wind blew her hair. We are pretty much over this, but now, we hate having our hair tied back. She of course kicked up a big fuss about having her hair done.  We asked the girls to grab their cars and head out the door so we could go, when DD1 yelled: "No, I don't want to ride that one, I want to take my bike". Well, Ok then, if that's what you would prefer, grab your helmet and lets go. 

**overdramatic roll of the eyes**"Ughhhhhhhhhh...NO i don't want to wear my helmet"

I knew this would be the case. She hates having her hair tied back, but even moreso when there is a helmet on top. OK then, what would you prefer, wear the helmet and ride your bike, or ride your swivel car, or just walk. **groans and grunts through gritted teeth** "I'll just walk then"

OK....In my most cheerful voice...Out we go kids! Seriously, at this point I wonder why I even bother to do anything special for the kids. It almost always ends in failure!

She dragged her feet for the most part of the walk to the park, which is a mere stroll down our street away. Then when she saw how much fun her little sister was having riding her swivel car, of course, she got cross. "I want my car!!!" We explained that she had chosen to leave it at home, but she wouldn't have a bar of it, and wanted us to go back to get it. I thought this was as good a time as any to explain to her how consequences work and how if you say one thing, you can just go back and have the other. 

We walked over to a spot on the grass to play with the ball, and of course she wouldn't have a bar of it. She slumped down in a heap, arms folded, head down. It took me a good 20 minutes or so of talking through the emotions she was feeling, before I got her to come around and play on the playground. I tried getting her to play a bit of soccer with me, but that was too hard. She then suggested we run to the middle of the oval, but after about 10 paces, she gave up huffing and puffing saying that was too hard. I sat down and pretended to be exhausted myself, and started mimicking some of her behaviour, which got her to notice. "Hey mum, I just want you to come and play with me."

It turned into a lovely park visit, and it was so nice to have my happy girl back. Running around, carefree, exploring the playground. Everything was back to normal. That was, until a little later that day, we had another meltdown. Again, it was over something so tiny, but it stirred up huge emotions for her. My grumpy girl was back. 

We had recently just seen the new movie Inside Out (which, by the way, was awesome!), so I spoke with her about the different emotions she was feeling, and asked her, what was going on. "Im just feeling mad and sad". She had been yelling at me for some time, and trying to run away from me, telling me I was the worst mum and she didn't like me anymore, nor did she want to talk to me. It was really cutting me into pieces, but I knew I needed to persist. I absolutely hated seeing her like this. I was having flash-forwards (these are the opposites of flashbacks, haha do they even exist? They do now!) of her growing up into this angry teenager, who hated the world and everything in it. I become lost when she is like this and I do everything I can to get her back to being happy as when she is in one of these moods, I feel like a failure. I explained how it upset me and hurt me to see her so sad and mad. I said how much I missed my happy girl, then I asked if she knew where that girl was. "She is in my loveheart, but I just don't know how to get her back" I asked if there was anything I could do to make that happy girl come back, and she said she didn't know.

She came to me about 10 minutes after I left her alone (at her request), and apologized. Without prompting she said she was sorry and that she didn't like to see me upset and sad. We hugged and she sobbed in my arms, not just a little sob, but big tears of relief, that she had worked out those little voices in her mind and set them free. 

After processing this today, I have decided that it is absolutely ok for my girls to feel mad and sad. There is always times when we need to feel these things. And sometimes, when someone is feeling that way, there isnt much you can do or say to help them. But acknowledging that you hear them, and that you are there for them when they need you, is worth its weight in gold. I know when I am frustrated and angry, or really upset, there isn't much anyone could say to make me feel better. I need time to process those thoughts and feelings myself. So as much as I hate seeing her in these "moods" (which can be really soul destroying for me to witness), I am realizing that they are important for her to experience. I have equipped her with words to express how she is feeling and that is a great start. She knows she has a loving home, with family that adore her, and that she is safe. She sees the consequences and effects her moods have on others, and that too is an important lesson to learn in itself. 

Life is a rollercoaster, and for kids, that rollercoaster must be pretty daunting and scary sometimes. It can be a massive maze to navigate on their own. I have learnt a massive lesson today from DD1. It is amazing what we can learn from kids if we take the time to listen to them, and understand things from their perspective.  

These are some of the steps I like to take when tackling big emotions. Of course, this is age appropriate, this would work for DD1 (nearly 4), but not quite yet with DD2 (2 years old). This scenario below isn't the best, but it provides an idea of how the steps actually work.

Ask them about their behaviour
--after throwing a major tanturm about packing toys away as asked--

"What is going on, why are you behaving like this"

--I just don't want to pack away, its boring--

Get them to tell you how it is making them feel

"How does this make you feel?"
--I feel frustrated and mad--

Acknowledge their feelings

"I understand you are feeling frustrated and mad. It can be frustrating when you have to do something that you don't want to do"

Explain to them how it is making you feel
"When I see you like this, it makes me feel upset and hurt"

Ask them what they need to make them feel better and follow through with that

--tantrum continuing--
"What can we do to make you feel better?"

--I don't want to talk to you, I just want to be left alone--

Give them time

Allow them the space they need to process how they are feeling. And you take some time too. Walk away, make a cuppa, have a cry...do what you need to do!

Reconcile 

When the time is right, they will either come to you, or you may need to go to them. Talk through what has happened, if they apologise, thank them for the apology and give them a big sloppy cuddle and kiss. Explain to them that you are feeling happy that they have done that, and ask how they are now feeling too. Sometimes, they are still feeling upset, and that is ok. In this particular scenario, I would then go on to explain that the packing away still needs to occur, and that it is about helping each other and obeying instructions, etc.

So if you are like me and have noticed these waves of good and bad times with your kids, try not to be so harsh on them when they are experiencing these big emotions. They are trying to get their heads around it as much as you are. They might say and do some things that make you question if they are really even love you....but they do, they absolutely do. If they need space, give them that, if they need cuddles, give them that. Be stern and firm, but above all, be kind....and listen to what they are trying to tell teach you.

xxx