I thee wed...

Marriage is on my mind tonight.

I am in no way an expert on the matter! Matt and I have only been married for 6 years. However, I am constantly learning and growing in my walk with Matt. Marriages are falling apart all around and it has really struck me in the core of my being. I have been reflecting on my own marriage, and as I have done so, a few points have popped into my mind that I would like to share with you all. Here they go:

---Dont forget why you fell in love---

Looking back on photos from when Matt and I first met, I cant help but relive the feeling of utter excitement and passion that we once had back then! We were the epitomy of the term 'love birds', just ask anyone that knew us! 

We flitted about our workplaces bragging about how wonderful each other was. We got all giddy when we would receive emails from one another and I remember the butterflies that would be in my stomach every time I would go on a date with Matt. He treated me like a princess and stole my heart completely. Our noses would always mysteriously be sore - it turns out it was from kissing each other too much!!! And we have a gazillion photos and selfies of our dating years because we wanted to capture every single moment and remember it forever, because it was GOOD!

Our spark was vivid and strong and I was sure that it would be that way for the rest of our lives... (haha can you tell I read too many fairytales when I was younger?)

Our first date - the first time we met face to face!

But, what actually happens to that spark when you get married? Why does it happen? I could not tell you the exact moment when ours started to fade, but at some point in the fast pace of our lives, it did. 

I think when we are dating, and in our 'love bubble' we spend most of our time consumed with one another. They are always on our minds, we are always speaking with one another, flirting, going out to romantic places. 

We were spontaneous, we had time (and money) to go wherever we liked. We had no ties (no children!). Then, at some point - life kicks in. We focus our time and energy on our work (because we need money to build the lives we want to live), we get busy, we forget to 'date' one another, we let go of ourselves a bit, we become relaxed. Then children might come along, and they take up a huge portion of our time and energy. We are too tired to engage in conversation with our spouses and we have had children touching us all day that when they are finally in bed, we just want some PERSONAL SPACE....

Take a moment, go back over old photos and videos like me if you need to, but remember what it was about them that made you fall head over heels in love. What was it about them that drew you near? Then, muster up the courage and start over! Dont just think about it, ACTUALLY DO IT! Start flirting with one another again, compliment each other, send cheeky text messages, give each other massages, share a sneaky kiss, be spontaneous, book a babysitter and go out for a meal together, hold each others hands, snuggle up in bed.

You might be thinking that yes, that all sounds good and well in theory, but in practice, its a nightmare! I never said it was going to be easy. It takes alot of thought and effort...but trust me, the outcomes are worth it!

---Communication is vital---

It is so important to be able to communicate with your partner, not just on a casual, "Hey, how was your day?" basis, but on a much deeper level. To discuss your deepest fears, triumphs and goals without being worried about how the other person might react and without a massive argument ensuing!

It has taken Matt and I quite some time to be able to master having an 'adult' conversation about important topics in our marriage. We used to bicker and argue to the point where neither of us were being heard or getting our point across. The conversation would usually then completely go off track and we would just be throwing verbal grenades at one another, bringing up dirt from the past and just getting nasty!

It takes work, practice and patience. You need to be able to say how you are feeling and be heard, and you need to be able to hear your spouse. Both need mutual respect and neither's opinions should be shoved to the wayside. When things would get out of control in a conversation, sometimes I would simply need to stop, take a breath, regain myself and reword what I was trying to say. 

Try not to let the sun go down on an argument. This is an age old saying, but it is important. I do believe sometimes we need 'cooling' off periods, but I also believe its important to never leave one another hanging, to get to the bottom of the issue and sort it out.

If you haven't yet mastered the art of communication with your spouse, there is no shame in seeking counselling. Counsellors are able to teach you both methods of communication that will be of such a great benefit to your relationship.

---Be the change - build up THEIR love tank---

There are 2 people in a marriage and sometimes, if you want things to change, you need to be willing to make changes yourself! I could go on for days about all the things I would love Matt to do differently. But I have learnt, that if I want to see change, all I need to do is start changing myself. 

When I start loving Matt, in every way - it has a roll on effect. It builds up HIS love tank. He feels loved, appreciated, desired and wanted. When he is feeling good about himself in the relationship, he becomes more willing to love me in the ways that mean the most to me. His love tank overflows and starts filling mine up! We all have different love languages, Matt's is most definitely touch, whereas mine is acts of service and gifts! Matt could tell me im beautiful all day long, but to really love me, all I desire is to be thought of - simple things like planning a picnic together (and organising all the logistics, including the kids being looked after) mean the world to me! 

Find out what love language your partner is and work to love them in the way that means the most to them!

---Be a mighty team---

Help each other! Sit down and plan your goals together then work towards them hand in hand! Dont have 'my jobs' and 'your jobs' help each other with ALL jobs. Try not to bicker on whose occupation is more important or more tiring than the others. In our house, we have to settle with the fact that they are both equally as demanding. Matt works long shifts out in the weather, whereas I work just as long shifts at home with whatever 'weather' my girls wish to throw at me that particular day! But when Matt is home from work, we work as a team...we help each other out with the tasks and duties to be done. Neither of us gets to sit and chill out because we have had a tough day at work, until the girls are in bed and the house is in order. Stop fighting with one another and start working together. 

---Keep God at the centre---

The couple that prays together, stays together! Oh....I had to say it :) But you know what, there is truth in it. Keeping God at the centre of your marriage gives you a direction and purpose. He is the master planner of our lives, he orchestrated our marriage, he knows what we are going to argue about, before we argue about it. He loves us, and he wants us to succeed. Because when we are on the same page together, working towards a common goal, with Christ at the centre, boy does Satan need to LOOK OUT! You become an unstoppable force! There will always be road blocks and hurdles in your marriage, things that come to try and trip you up. If you can stay focussed on God's purpose for your marriage and his truth's that nothing is impossible, he will never place you in situations that exceed what you can bear, and that all things work together for his glory - you will weather those storms with grace and come out with a deeper understanding of his love, and a greater love for one another.

Marriage really is about honouring one another and being selfless in doing so. In the chaos that is life, stop and LOVE your spouse. It is not an easy road, it is one of the hardest things I have ever put my energy into, but I know that it is rewarding. 

I want a marriage that is exciting, engaging and meaningful. I want there to be passion and spontenaity and romance. I want people to look at our marriage and say, "Hey, I want what they have!". There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. They are a contstant work in progress. But the ones that realise where they are going wrong, and actively start to make changes to make it better, are the ones that stay strong and continue to thrive through the years. Life throws so many hurdles at us - these trials help to keep us honest and help us develop our strength.

STOP for a minute
THINK about your marriage
HUMBLE yourself
LOVE your spouse
TALK with each other
PRAY together

LAUGH together
FLIRT with one another
ENJOY what God has given you

Much love

xxx

Perfectly imperfect

I am not perfect.

I can be a bitch. 

I can be self-centred.

 I can be moody. 

I can be a gossip. 

I can judge books by their covers. 

I can lie. 

I can be lazy.

 I can be conceited. 

I can hold grudges.

I can, and I have. And I probably will still continue to do some of these things from time to time. Because, I am not perfect.

I am only human.

We are all sinners.

I mentioned that God convicts me of things on a daily basis, right? He is always speaking to me, audibly or inaudibly - usually through a little quiet voice in my head. It keeps nagging me until I listen and obey.  My children are also great at keeping me centered! They are so innocent and dont understand the complexities of relationships and treat everyone with equal respect - they hold no grudges. Miss Placid humbled me on this one with a relationship very recently.

Sometimes, it takes me quite some time to actually be obedient. 

I have held grudges against some people in my life, and I can find it really hard to move past them, because I am stubborn, and I dont want to be the first person to apologise! I often think, well, its not just me that is behaving like this, they are being just as stubborn - or I can justify my actions because of a certain way they might have treated me.

I know it's not right. But its just the way it goes sometimes. 

I have been spending a portion of my very rare spare time (after I have run around doing everything else I want to accomplish in the wee hours of child free time before my bedtime!) doing a bible study on the book of Esther. I have been learning so much, not just about the story of Esther, but about myself, in the process. It is amazing what God can teach you if you open up your heart and are willing to hear and learn!

One thing that hit home to me is that it isnt about appearances. What is inside is far more beautiful. I can doll myself up to the nines, pretty my hair, put on some makeup and a nice outfit and could fool the world that I have it altogether. I don't. No one really does. We are all struggling with our own demons and things that tear us apart inside. Insecurities, self-worthlessness, financial struggles, parenting dilemmas. 

I for one have a huge list of my own: I dislike the wisps of baby hair on my forehead, I hate my teeth, I have a lot of post-baby flab to lose, my eyelashes annoy me, the pigment of my skin bugs me, I hate my wardrobe, I feel people judge me by my age sometimes, and that hurts. I don't like looking young and immature in a room full of women who seem so much more wise and mature than I. I worry I am not a good enough mother/wife/daughter/friend, I compare my walk with others, I envy those who get to travel and do missions, I covet, I worry my life has no purpose sometimes, I compare my kids and their behaviours to others...

See - proof I don't have it altogether, folks :)

If you see me out and about, try not to judge me. Get to know me, and I promise I will try to do the same for you. Life is not a competition. It is not about who has the most beautiful body, the best behaved children, the most magnificent house, or the best travelled passport. I try to be as honest and open as I can about my life and my struggles in the vain hope that someone out there might get a glimmer of hope that 
it is ok to not have it altogether.
It's ok to have days where you feel all hope is lost. Its ok to fail and be imperfect and do all those imperfect things mentioned above. But if you can stop every now and then and self-reflect, ask for forgiveness and humble yourself to move forward, you are one step ahead!

Comparison is everywhere in our world. It is in the media, in our tv's/magazines, social media, businesses, workplaces and playgroups. There is always someone who seems to have it better than we have or have it more together than we have. You don't know what happens behind their closed doors - and I can assure you, its not always pretty :) If we can invest our time more in learning what God wants for us, rather than trying to wish our lives were more like someone elses, I think we will find a peace and joy that is far more enriching and satisfying than any material thing or personal attribute anyone else could have!

I am trying my best to live a life worthy of God's calling. But whilst parading down the red carpet of my life I am going to stack it in my high heels plenty of times down that runway!

You are beautiful. 
You are worthy. 
You are enough. 

xxx

Romans 3:23-24

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

Be still

Tonight I was reminded of an important lesson...to simply be still and listen.

Miss Placid is at the stage now where she has so many questions and so much to say...all the time. In the fast pace of life it is easy to brush her off when I am too busy with a simple, "mmm-hmmm.." or yes or no answers, without actually listening to what she is saying. Most of the time, it doesnt seem to bother her very much, she simply hops up and moves along to the next thing.

A few weeks ago, we had a blackout that started just as I was about to put the her to bed.  Thankfully, the blackout didnt last for very long at all - but she was frightened so I grabbed a heap of candles, lit them, and placed them strategically around the house. 

It was so beautiful to see her excitement and joy as we 'camped out' in the kitchen surrounded by the candlelight. She had the same nervous excitement that I have when a scary situation comes around. She was shaking and her little voice was trembling. "I'm a bit scared, mum. Can i have the iPad please". Peppa pig on the iPad solves all scary situations :)

The last few nights, just before her bedtime, she has been asking me to turn the lights off in the house and light some candles. In a rush to get her into bed (so I can have some downtime!) I have said no without a second thought to it. Though tonight, for some reason, I felt convicted of my thoughts and actions, and when she asked, "Mum, you turn lights off and put candles on, please?", I considered for a moment what it might mean to her. Yes, I was in a hurry to have a shower myself, clean the kitchen, read her a book and put her to bed...but she was wanting to experience something special.

I grabbed 5 tealight candles from the pantry, lit them and I placed them on the hallway dresser, just at her eye level. I switched off all the lights and tv's in the house and watched her. She stood beside those candles, just staring at them quietly, for what seemed an eternity. She uttered phrases like, "wow, they so cool mum", "oh, pretty" and "look, I see bubbles" (not quite sure what she meant by that!). 

I grabbed the camera to snap a few shots of this little memory making session, and she looked straight over to me and said, "you so nice, mum". It melted my heart. 

I soaked in every minute, wondering what was going through her little mind as she watched the tiny little wicker flicker with the flame. I asked her who made fire, and she said "God and Jesus did". We spoke of why he made light - so we could see in the dark and not be afraid, and also to keep us warm. The whole process took less than 20 minutes, but to her, I was honoring her by simply being still and listening to her. It was showing her that I do care about what she has to say.

As I sit here reflecting on this tonight, it is so inline with our walk with Christ. He is always trying to get our attention, he speaks to us, convicts us, tugs at our skirt while most of the time, we are too busy to stop and listen to what he is trying to tell us. If we simply take the time to BE STILL...not only are we showing him that we care about what he has to say, but we will be SO blessed by what he is saying and what he is trying to tell us or show us.

I am SO guilty of being too busy. I honestly do not know where the hours in the day go. By the time the kids are in bed by 7 all I want to do is go to bed myself! But I have so much I still need and want to do also, like cleaning, running my small business, spending time in God's word, spending time with my husband, having time to myself.....I wouldn't get any sleep if I tried to fit all that in of an evening! 

I wouldn't say that I hear God's audible voice, but I know that he convicts me of things DAILY. He is the small voice whispering things to me, questioning my actions, constantly reminding me to be the woman he intended me to be, to walk down the path he created for me and to trust him daily with everything, including my parenting. Sometimes, I simply need a little reminder, like the lesson with the candles tonight, to make me stop and remember that HE is always drawing me closer to him, begging me to walk the path he created for me, instead of one I keep trying to clumsily make myself.

I pray that this week, you may also find the time to stop and be still. Listen to your children and your loved ones. But most importantly, listen to what God is telling you. He is there, always beside you, always loving you, always gently whispering in your ear - whether it be directly to you or indirectly to you from someone else. Only He knows what is best for you....

xxx

Psalm 46:10

 “Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

1 Peter 3:4

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment...rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.