I thee wed...

Marriage is on my mind tonight.

I am in no way an expert on the matter! Matt and I have only been married for 6 years. However, I am constantly learning and growing in my walk with Matt. Marriages are falling apart all around and it has really struck me in the core of my being. I have been reflecting on my own marriage, and as I have done so, a few points have popped into my mind that I would like to share with you all. Here they go:

---Dont forget why you fell in love---

Looking back on photos from when Matt and I first met, I cant help but relive the feeling of utter excitement and passion that we once had back then! We were the epitomy of the term 'love birds', just ask anyone that knew us! 

We flitted about our workplaces bragging about how wonderful each other was. We got all giddy when we would receive emails from one another and I remember the butterflies that would be in my stomach every time I would go on a date with Matt. He treated me like a princess and stole my heart completely. Our noses would always mysteriously be sore - it turns out it was from kissing each other too much!!! And we have a gazillion photos and selfies of our dating years because we wanted to capture every single moment and remember it forever, because it was GOOD!

Our spark was vivid and strong and I was sure that it would be that way for the rest of our lives... (haha can you tell I read too many fairytales when I was younger?)

Our first date - the first time we met face to face!

But, what actually happens to that spark when you get married? Why does it happen? I could not tell you the exact moment when ours started to fade, but at some point in the fast pace of our lives, it did. 

I think when we are dating, and in our 'love bubble' we spend most of our time consumed with one another. They are always on our minds, we are always speaking with one another, flirting, going out to romantic places. 

We were spontaneous, we had time (and money) to go wherever we liked. We had no ties (no children!). Then, at some point - life kicks in. We focus our time and energy on our work (because we need money to build the lives we want to live), we get busy, we forget to 'date' one another, we let go of ourselves a bit, we become relaxed. Then children might come along, and they take up a huge portion of our time and energy. We are too tired to engage in conversation with our spouses and we have had children touching us all day that when they are finally in bed, we just want some PERSONAL SPACE....

Take a moment, go back over old photos and videos like me if you need to, but remember what it was about them that made you fall head over heels in love. What was it about them that drew you near? Then, muster up the courage and start over! Dont just think about it, ACTUALLY DO IT! Start flirting with one another again, compliment each other, send cheeky text messages, give each other massages, share a sneaky kiss, be spontaneous, book a babysitter and go out for a meal together, hold each others hands, snuggle up in bed.

You might be thinking that yes, that all sounds good and well in theory, but in practice, its a nightmare! I never said it was going to be easy. It takes alot of thought and effort...but trust me, the outcomes are worth it!

---Communication is vital---

It is so important to be able to communicate with your partner, not just on a casual, "Hey, how was your day?" basis, but on a much deeper level. To discuss your deepest fears, triumphs and goals without being worried about how the other person might react and without a massive argument ensuing!

It has taken Matt and I quite some time to be able to master having an 'adult' conversation about important topics in our marriage. We used to bicker and argue to the point where neither of us were being heard or getting our point across. The conversation would usually then completely go off track and we would just be throwing verbal grenades at one another, bringing up dirt from the past and just getting nasty!

It takes work, practice and patience. You need to be able to say how you are feeling and be heard, and you need to be able to hear your spouse. Both need mutual respect and neither's opinions should be shoved to the wayside. When things would get out of control in a conversation, sometimes I would simply need to stop, take a breath, regain myself and reword what I was trying to say. 

Try not to let the sun go down on an argument. This is an age old saying, but it is important. I do believe sometimes we need 'cooling' off periods, but I also believe its important to never leave one another hanging, to get to the bottom of the issue and sort it out.

If you haven't yet mastered the art of communication with your spouse, there is no shame in seeking counselling. Counsellors are able to teach you both methods of communication that will be of such a great benefit to your relationship.

---Be the change - build up THEIR love tank---

There are 2 people in a marriage and sometimes, if you want things to change, you need to be willing to make changes yourself! I could go on for days about all the things I would love Matt to do differently. But I have learnt, that if I want to see change, all I need to do is start changing myself. 

When I start loving Matt, in every way - it has a roll on effect. It builds up HIS love tank. He feels loved, appreciated, desired and wanted. When he is feeling good about himself in the relationship, he becomes more willing to love me in the ways that mean the most to me. His love tank overflows and starts filling mine up! We all have different love languages, Matt's is most definitely touch, whereas mine is acts of service and gifts! Matt could tell me im beautiful all day long, but to really love me, all I desire is to be thought of - simple things like planning a picnic together (and organising all the logistics, including the kids being looked after) mean the world to me! 

Find out what love language your partner is and work to love them in the way that means the most to them!

---Be a mighty team---

Help each other! Sit down and plan your goals together then work towards them hand in hand! Dont have 'my jobs' and 'your jobs' help each other with ALL jobs. Try not to bicker on whose occupation is more important or more tiring than the others. In our house, we have to settle with the fact that they are both equally as demanding. Matt works long shifts out in the weather, whereas I work just as long shifts at home with whatever 'weather' my girls wish to throw at me that particular day! But when Matt is home from work, we work as a team...we help each other out with the tasks and duties to be done. Neither of us gets to sit and chill out because we have had a tough day at work, until the girls are in bed and the house is in order. Stop fighting with one another and start working together. 

---Keep God at the centre---

The couple that prays together, stays together! Oh....I had to say it :) But you know what, there is truth in it. Keeping God at the centre of your marriage gives you a direction and purpose. He is the master planner of our lives, he orchestrated our marriage, he knows what we are going to argue about, before we argue about it. He loves us, and he wants us to succeed. Because when we are on the same page together, working towards a common goal, with Christ at the centre, boy does Satan need to LOOK OUT! You become an unstoppable force! There will always be road blocks and hurdles in your marriage, things that come to try and trip you up. If you can stay focussed on God's purpose for your marriage and his truth's that nothing is impossible, he will never place you in situations that exceed what you can bear, and that all things work together for his glory - you will weather those storms with grace and come out with a deeper understanding of his love, and a greater love for one another.

Marriage really is about honouring one another and being selfless in doing so. In the chaos that is life, stop and LOVE your spouse. It is not an easy road, it is one of the hardest things I have ever put my energy into, but I know that it is rewarding. 

I want a marriage that is exciting, engaging and meaningful. I want there to be passion and spontenaity and romance. I want people to look at our marriage and say, "Hey, I want what they have!". There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. They are a contstant work in progress. But the ones that realise where they are going wrong, and actively start to make changes to make it better, are the ones that stay strong and continue to thrive through the years. Life throws so many hurdles at us - these trials help to keep us honest and help us develop our strength.

STOP for a minute
THINK about your marriage
HUMBLE yourself
LOVE your spouse
TALK with each other
PRAY together

LAUGH together
FLIRT with one another
ENJOY what God has given you

Much love

xxx