{motherhood} through the darkness, there is light...

Today, DD1 and I said farewell to an amazing lady - someone who has helped us out immensely over the past 3 months. Someone who has been more of a friend to me than some of the friends I have had for years. She will be greatly missed, on a 'work relationship' level...but I also know i have gained a friend for life in her.

Before DD1 came into our lives, people were asking me if I was prepared to be a mother. Of course I was. I was married to the love of my life and in love, we were blessed to be able to create a life together, one that we would bring up in the best way possible, to the best of our knowledge. We would figure it out along the way! A few people towards the end of my pregnancy asked if I was aware of Post Natal Depression (PND) and what that entailed.  I was aware of it, i had heard of it, but I was adamant it wasn't going to be an 'issue' for me. I was a positive person with a positive outlook on life. I looked at motherhood as an exciting adventure - I was gaining a new little best friend who would keep me company through the day and love me unconditionally.  PND was for those that were already struggling in life, weren't happy or had struggled with depression in the past. No way...not me.

I was so wrong.

I have since learnt that depression, in any form, isn't something you can choose to have or not have. It.........................................just.........................................happens. And it happened to me.

When DD1 was born, I thought i had it all under control. Motherhood seemed to come easy to me. I waltzed out of the hospital, babe in arm, and I was happy and complete. We went out for dinner that night to my mother-in-laws house and people were amazed at how quickly I was up and at it! 

It didn't take long for everything to come crashing down.

About 5 days in, things became real. The bucket loads of advice and information I had taken in about how to raise DD1 - how to feed her, hold her, how long she should be sleeping, how often she should be feeding, whether she should be using a dummy (etc, etc) - caught up with me and I started doubting my ability as a mother. I had some extremely dark moments, and at times, I was wishing I had never chosen to be a mother.  I couldn't do it, I was a failure and was not cut out for this job! It was (and is) a tough job and I really struggled. I tried to hold it together in public, but when I was alone at home with DD1, I broke down. I was curled up in a ball, sobbing....heartbroken and struggling. 

It was my mother who prompted me to go and seek some help from a Dr and have a chat to her about PND. Even at that point, I was denying it. I just thought i must have been exhausted and tired, but there was more to it than that. On a chemical and hormonal level, I was depressed. The Dr diagnosed me with mild PND and sent me on my way with advice to get out more and have a break from DD1 whenever possible.

I managed to go and see my Child Health Nurse seeking some help with getting DD1 to sleep - as I believed that I was only feeling this way because she wouldn't sleep (well, not for as long as everyone was saying she should be!) She decided to come out to my house to help me out (for free) as we couldn't afford to trudge off to a sleep school! Upon coming to our house and spending an hour with me to see what it took for me to get DD1 to sleep, and how exhausted, stressed and upset I was, she offered me a golden ticket---there was a service that was available to women struggling with PND, a service that entailed an "in-home carer" to come out to your house, for up to 13 weeks, to help you out, and it was Government funded! She said that I should think about it and if I wanted to go ahead with it, to call her back the next day and she will set it up for me.  You don't think i was up early, calling that Child Health Nurse at the crack of dawn that following day!

And that's where Tracey comes in.  

Tracey was the lady assigned to help me out with DD1. I was asked what days and hours I wanted her to come, and because of the state I was in, I asked for as much time with her as possible!!! She has been with me 3 days a week for 6.5 hours each day for the past 13 weeks. I refer to her as my angel as I honestly believe she was sent to me for a reason...to get me through a really rough and dark time.

She has been an amazing source of encouragement in her time with me. She helped me realise that I am an amazing mother to DD1, that I am doing a fantastic job and that I am doing everything right. She offered her advice where necessary and gave me some really helpful hints along the way. She came with me to appointments and helped me build up the courage to do things that I was too scared to try on my own with DD1 - eg: using my shopping trolley cover for the first time! Its a tricky thing to put on you know! ;)  There are years between Tracey and I, but you would never have known that.  For the most part, she was simply a friend. She would come and share a cuppa with me, and just hang out. She was someone I could rely on, and for that, I am eternally grateful as PND really shows you who your friends are!

I'm really going to miss having her around, but I am also really looking forward to starting a new chapter and continuing on with our relationship - which will evolve into more of a friendship now.  I am not ashamed of my depression. I am speaking out about it in the hope that it may encourage others that are struggling to know that they are not alone, and that they don't have to struggle on their own. There is help out there. Some people didn't know how to handle me, or how to act around me, especially when I had Tracey around - and that is ok, it can be hard to know what to do or say - but the best advice I have is to not shy away from anyone struggling! Make a point to be present - make an effort, really 'ASK' if they are ok. Rock up their place with coffee and cake, even if they 'arent up for it'...they will appreciate it!.
Through it all I believe I have always continued to be the same person, I just needed a friend to hold me up as I stumbled through the beginnings of motherhood.

I hope that one day I can help someone else in the same way Tracey has helped me.

If you know someone that is struggling with PND, or if you are yourself and you would like some more information on help that is available, please feel free to contact me, or your local Child Health Nurse for some more information.  

Psalm 56:12-13

I am under vows to you, O God; I will present my thank offerings to you.  For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.

Much love

Daughter of the King

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