Perfectly imperfect

I am not perfect.

I can be a bitch. 

I can be self-centred.

 I can be moody. 

I can be a gossip. 

I can judge books by their covers. 

I can lie. 

I can be lazy.

 I can be conceited. 

I can hold grudges.

I can, and I have. And I probably will still continue to do some of these things from time to time. Because, I am not perfect.

I am only human.

We are all sinners.

I mentioned that God convicts me of things on a daily basis, right? He is always speaking to me, audibly or inaudibly - usually through a little quiet voice in my head. It keeps nagging me until I listen and obey.  My children are also great at keeping me centered! They are so innocent and dont understand the complexities of relationships and treat everyone with equal respect - they hold no grudges. Miss Placid humbled me on this one with a relationship very recently.

Sometimes, it takes me quite some time to actually be obedient. 

I have held grudges against some people in my life, and I can find it really hard to move past them, because I am stubborn, and I dont want to be the first person to apologise! I often think, well, its not just me that is behaving like this, they are being just as stubborn - or I can justify my actions because of a certain way they might have treated me.

I know it's not right. But its just the way it goes sometimes. 

I have been spending a portion of my very rare spare time (after I have run around doing everything else I want to accomplish in the wee hours of child free time before my bedtime!) doing a bible study on the book of Esther. I have been learning so much, not just about the story of Esther, but about myself, in the process. It is amazing what God can teach you if you open up your heart and are willing to hear and learn!

One thing that hit home to me is that it isnt about appearances. What is inside is far more beautiful. I can doll myself up to the nines, pretty my hair, put on some makeup and a nice outfit and could fool the world that I have it altogether. I don't. No one really does. We are all struggling with our own demons and things that tear us apart inside. Insecurities, self-worthlessness, financial struggles, parenting dilemmas. 

I for one have a huge list of my own: I dislike the wisps of baby hair on my forehead, I hate my teeth, I have a lot of post-baby flab to lose, my eyelashes annoy me, the pigment of my skin bugs me, I hate my wardrobe, I feel people judge me by my age sometimes, and that hurts. I don't like looking young and immature in a room full of women who seem so much more wise and mature than I. I worry I am not a good enough mother/wife/daughter/friend, I compare my walk with others, I envy those who get to travel and do missions, I covet, I worry my life has no purpose sometimes, I compare my kids and their behaviours to others...

See - proof I don't have it altogether, folks :)

If you see me out and about, try not to judge me. Get to know me, and I promise I will try to do the same for you. Life is not a competition. It is not about who has the most beautiful body, the best behaved children, the most magnificent house, or the best travelled passport. I try to be as honest and open as I can about my life and my struggles in the vain hope that someone out there might get a glimmer of hope that 
it is ok to not have it altogether.
It's ok to have days where you feel all hope is lost. Its ok to fail and be imperfect and do all those imperfect things mentioned above. But if you can stop every now and then and self-reflect, ask for forgiveness and humble yourself to move forward, you are one step ahead!

Comparison is everywhere in our world. It is in the media, in our tv's/magazines, social media, businesses, workplaces and playgroups. There is always someone who seems to have it better than we have or have it more together than we have. You don't know what happens behind their closed doors - and I can assure you, its not always pretty :) If we can invest our time more in learning what God wants for us, rather than trying to wish our lives were more like someone elses, I think we will find a peace and joy that is far more enriching and satisfying than any material thing or personal attribute anyone else could have!

I am trying my best to live a life worthy of God's calling. But whilst parading down the red carpet of my life I am going to stack it in my high heels plenty of times down that runway!

You are beautiful. 
You are worthy. 
You are enough. 

xxx

Romans 3:23-24

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.