What would you do?

As a follow on from my earlier post today, I wanted to write this post because as a mother, I think it is important to be open, honest and seek help and support from those around you.

I have two beautiful, little girls. Miss Placid (2.5 year old) and Miss Cheeky (10 month old). Both are completely different in every way - personality wise the most. Miss Cheeky is loud....very loud. She loves to use her voice by squealing at the top of her lungs, babbling, yelling/shouting etc. She is also a very happy and energetic little girl. Always on the move, doesn't sit still - has to explore everything and not miss out on anything!

Miss Placid is headstrong, stubborn, vivacious, independent, cheeky and very intelligent. She was always a serious child, it took a lot to get a giggle out of her when she was younger. People often commented on how serious she was and is - she just liked to take everything in, be an observer. 

Miss Placid does not like her little sister very much of late. She cant stand her opening her mouth to make any noise, and the moment she does - she screams at her....."STOP YELLINGGGGGGGGG....NOOOOOOOOOO". This goes on from the moment they wake to the moment they go to bed. And sometimes, if Miss Placid is in bed and hears Miss Cheeky awake making noise - she will tell her off from her bedroom! Miss Cheeky thinks its hilarious as she is getting responded to. She will make a squawk, get a reaction from her big sister, and so she continues.

A day in my life...

Miss Cheeky wakes up crying, get her up, feed her and let her play. She is happy and starts babbling away etc. Miss Placid wakes up and asks if i can put Miss Cheeky back to bed already. I bring Miss Placid out into the living area and she starts yelling at her sister already. She usually only has to look at her for her to get angry - or start crawling towards her. Miss Cheeky inquisitively will come up to the couch to stand in front of her sister. Miss Placid then screams at her, kicks her or hits her. She gets sent to timeout, Miss Cheeky is crying. Miss Placid continues screaming because the Miss Cheeky is making noise.
---Repeat for the next 12 hours---

The only time there is peace is when either Miss Cheeky is asleep or out of sight. We live in a small town and to get anywhere takes a maximum of 10 minutes, but most of my car trips are much less than that. They will scream at each other the entire journey, even if it is only for 1 minute. All because Miss Cheeky opens her mouth or looks at her.

I have been to see a health nurse to determine whether or not Miss Placid has auditory processing issues. We are currently on a wait list (and have been for a few months now) to get assessed by an Occupational Therapist. She has always been sensitive to noises: the hairdryer, lawn mower, vacuum cleaner, blender, cars - they all frighten her - but from my limited experience, these things frighten lots of little kids! She has extremely good hearing - she can hear the Mr Whippy van from a mile away - before it is audible to me! She doesn't seem bothered by other loud babies/kids - just her little sister.

The question I would like to pose to whomever may read this is this:

What would you do? How would you handle this situation in terms of discipline? 

If physical violence is carried out on her sister, we have been putting her straight into timeout, no warnings, as this is obviously very dangerous. As soon as timeout is over though, she can be straight back in there within 5 minutes if she does it again. We haven't really smacked her much and my reasoning for that is - if she hits her sister, then I were to say, "You don't hit your sister" - along with giving her a smack on her bottom - is that not a contradictory message to her? That must be very confusing for a child thinking, well I got in trouble for smacking, but now you are smacking me - how does that work?

I am not saying I am against smacking, or for it - I am simply a mother trying to assess what is the best form of discipline to teach my children that it is not OK to be violent in a way that they understand the message clearly and precisely and learn to not do it! All different options we have tried so far haven't been very successful as she is still carrying out this behaviour and it is becoming more frequent. It is not just confined to the home anymore, we can be at a friends home, or at the shops. I have had to separate them in the car (one car seat on each side of the car) as she would hurt her little sister in the car. It is hard to take them in the pram (as we have a side by side double pram) as the same thing occurs, and the trolley at the shops is near impossible. 

The bible tells us that discipline is necessary to grow strong children who are respectful - and that by doing so, we are not damaging them, but rather showing them love. However, it doesn't simply define discipline in a clear way for me to understand. 

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Proverbs 13:24 

Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.

Proverbs 23:13 

Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die.

Proverbs 29:17 

Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.

Ephesians 6:4 

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Proverbs 1:8-9 

Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.

Proverbs 22:6 

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

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This is where I guess what works for some, doesn't work for others and vice versa. How can I show my children God's love through discipline when all the chaos mentioned above is going on? It seems near impossible as I can hardly hear my own thoughts, so I can see how any words I say will simply go through one ear and out the other for them! I do know that things will get easier in time, and that for me, this is simply a bumpy road that we are travelling on at the moment, but it is hard to not feel envious at other families who seem to have it so much easier. I know that everyone has their problems, but not many are willing to tell you that - which is where self doubt comes in for so many people. There is such a notion out there that to be that perfect mother that has it altogether - that has discipline under control, that does craft and schooling with their children everyday, that takes them to activities to enhance their knowledge, that teaches them constantly about Christ and his love. I want to be that mother, but I am not perfect and I simply cannot. I have to take my children separately to activities - i try to leave Miss Cheeky with family whilst I take Miss Placid to the Dr etc to limit fighting. I gave up on playgroup as it was just too difficult. I have grand plans everyday to do craft and fun things with the girls but when the fighting starts - its impossible. I have to play with them separately as together, there is too much animosity and tears. I have to watch them like hawks for fear if i take my eyes away for a second, Miss Cheeky will get hurt.

 I find my hope in Christ and I cling onto it with all I have. By the end of the day, I am exhausted, all my strength has gone and I am usually found weeping or just simply slumped on the couch wondering how I even made it through the day. But a new morning always comes and with a brave smile I face yet another day - kind of stumbling through as I really don't know what I am doing. I'm praying that we find something that works for us, quickly, for the sake of both my girls, but for our whole family well-being too - as it is so hard for me to be the mother I want to be, when there is so much yelling and fighting going on all day. 

I would love to hear from anyone and everyone on this topic. Put yourself in my shoes and try to understand where I am coming from. No judgement will be made, but if you would prefer to remain anonymous, either send me a PM on facebook or send an email to me here.

From one mother to the next...

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