When things start looking up.....

Today has been another great day. My ratio of good to bad days is slowly improving....im thinking we are at maybe a 1:2....whereas we were previously at 1:10 only a few weeks ago! Hooray for small mercies!

My girls are close in age. There is only 20 months between them. I remember when DD1 was about 8 months old we were thinking of trying again for number 2, as thats about the age that things became "easier" for us, after having a somewhat difficult baby. So by the time she was 10 months old, we were pregnant with DD2. 

It has been a really rough ride for DD1 getting used to having a baby sister. Really rough. She was quite a dependant baby herself...she loved being with us, hated being separated from us. She disliked hated loud noises (alot!), and was a very serious child. So when DD2 arrived, and came home (and was loud with her screaming/crying). and she was separated from us (for the birth and with DD2s multiple doctor/hospital visits for her ailments and illnesses) - I dont blame her for struggling to accept this tiny loud nuisance sister into her world.

It has broken my heart to see them struggle to get along. And struggle they have. DD2 got a fair bit of attention with her ailments (as I mentioned) and it was hard for me to make up for that time with DD1. She became jealous. She hated when DD2 would make any kind of noise (even if it was the happy little squeals that babies develop). She would scream at her and say "too loud, too loud". She would hit her, she would ask for me to put her back to bed, just so she could be away from her. I was devastated. I was so blessed to have 2 beautiful little girls...but I felt burdened and isolated because they seemed to hate each other so. 

We used to jokingly warn DD1 that when her sister grew up, and became stronger, she would repeat those behaviours back to her. It never bothered DD2 that she was disliked by DD1 so much. She took it in her stride. She rarely even cried if she was hit or hurt. Until...as the months rolled on...she grew a voice and strength of her own. Then she started lashing out at her sister, and started doing things on purpose, just to annoy her. She would be extra loud - because she knew DD1 hated it so much. She would snatch toys, hit and scratch her - she was getting her own back! 

We had to separate the girls in the car - with a spare seat in between the both of them - out of safety for the both of them - as they would just be at it with one another in the car constantly. I cringed at the thought of going out in public with them both together, as it almost always resulted in them bickering with one another. People would say, "Oh...that's not very nice, how they behave to one another". And I would wearily tell them, its the norm and that it has been that way since DD2 had been born. No one really understood though - I've only met maybe 1 other mum (I can think of) who had children similar to mine in behaviour. Its hard, you know. You see all these wonderful things on facebook of friends and family members with children and siblings who love one another! I mean the occasional sibling rivalry is granted, but sisters who dote over their baby siblings etc. I would get envious of it and think what the heck have I done wrong to get the 2 girls who despise one another with such passion! This is one of the reasons why I am so passionate about being transparent on social media. I want to be real....so people who struggle, as I did - know that they aren't alone! 

Anyway....all of this has been the norm....up until the last...mmmmm...lets call it a week, or so. DD1 will be 4 in July and DD2 will be 2 in July. DD2 is talking so well, forming short sentences and able to articulate what it is she wants and needs. She is also better understanding consequence, and when she does something wrong, can realise it and 9 times out of 10, will apologise after realising what has happened. She hates seeing anyone sad or hurt. If DD1 is in timeout, for example, she will go up to her and say "Its ok, DD1. It's ok. DD1 sad..s'ok" and then will bring a toy or something to lighten the situation. 

Because her language is coming in leaps and bounds, and because DD1 is also more understanding and less volatile in her responses to when she is hard done by, the two of them, are getting along MUCH better. They are able to engage in active play, build lego together, play outside, ride bikes/push prams, bounce on castles together. DD1 has started inviting DD2 into her bedroom (the oh so sacred ground that NO ONE other than herself and mum and dad have previously been aloud in!), and even wanting to do things for her, like her makeup, etc.

For me to get a cute photo of the two of them hugging or playing together, used to involve bribery - and lots of it! Whereas today, there was at least 3 occasions where DD1 said to her sister, "Come here and give me a cuddle...I just love you so much" and then would proclaim to me "MUMMMM.....I JUST LOVE MY SISTER"

BE STILL MY BEATING HEART!!!! What is this!? Unprompted love?!?

I was in DD1s room this evening making her bed (and chucking away tidying her plethora of collected things on her bed). DD2 came in and took one of her sisters teddy bears, and I warned her, if she saw it, she would get upset. DD1 came into the room and saw her sister with her teddy and said "Oh...DD2....thats my teddy.....BUT...You can play with it, its ok!"

HOLD UP!!!!

I said "DD1....why are you being so kind to your sister today...I like it!!" And she replied, "Mum, my love heart is happy...its not grumpy anymore! It's pink and sparkly!"

I do alot of emotion coaching with my kids. I dont really know what emotion coaching is - im not trained in it....but I figure its about talking through emotions and getting them to recognise their feelings and validating them. When they are angry or frustrated - they tell me. If they whinge or scream or jump up and down stamping their feet, I remind them to use their words, and we talk it through. Sometimes it just clicks, and when it does - it is magical! Its really rewarding to see all your hard work pay off. 

We also talk about our love hearts alot, and how when you do or say something nasty to someone, it hurts their love heart, but it also means your love heart is being unkind (we associate it with the colour black or dark). And when you are doing the right thing, your love heart is all healed again (DD1 calls this a pink and sparkly heart) which is where that came from! I also tell her that when she does the right thing, like playing nicely with her sister or friends, or speaking nicely - that her loveheart is so sparkly there is a light shining from inside her that makes her glow and shine. Its the same I suppose for adults - people are drawn to those who have kind hearts....who act in kindness and speak love. I guess that is what I am hoping to instill in my kids.

And then sometimes they forget, like DD1 did at one point today. She had a small argument outside when her sister wouldn't move out of her way on their bikes. She proceeded to chuck me a really nasty grinch face (bearing her teeth and grunting)....so I sent her straight to time out. In our house, timeout lasts for the same amount of minutes as they are in years. So 3 minutes for DD1. She knows the rules are to sit on your bottom for that time and to be quiet. She can be upset and disappointed to be in timeout, but cant yell out or scream at me, or whinge and me to get out...etc. For every time she pipes up - I add another minute. I got to 10 minutes with her today. It took 10 minutes for her to listen and obey. And it took a whole lot of strength on my part to go through with those 10 minutes.  I said a silent prayer in the hallway in that last minute that she would not yell out again....and thankfully, she didnt.

It has been a tough journey raising two strong willed, independent, emotional, passionate girls. There is such a fire in their hearts and eyes though - I am grateful for their strength at times as I know, when they grow older, that these traits I've struggled with, will bode them well as they grow into young adults. I hope they fight for what they want out of their lives with as much passion as they have fought with each other (and me) when they were younger!  

If you have kids that struggle to get along with one another - there is hope. I am seeing the faintest glimmer of it now. Don't give up. Don't despair. And certainly dont think you are alone, as you aren't! Even if I am the only other person in this world with kids like this - you can take heed that I am with you!

xxx